8 - Quoting Scarlett O'Hara...

6/30/09

Since the next part of the long and winding road is probably the one defining moment of my life and painful to recall, heartwrenching to tell, I think at this point I am going to quote Scarlett:

"I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tommorrow."

But, never fear, this tiny detour takes us on a happy path, a quick getaway I had this past weekend. Its difficult for me to take a trip, to try to get excited to do anything happy as there is just a tremendous amount of stress for me right now with finances, taking care of both homes, helping out with any family things that I can and expecting company in just a few short days. But, this was just a short road trip, just a few days of welcome relaxation, and that is exactly what it was! I am so glad that a dear friend and I decided to pull it off. It was so overdue, spur of the moment, so unlike me! A nice place to stay, sights to see, wonderful comfort food to warm the soul!

A beautiful bed and breakfast in a sleepy town set in some rolling hills!

Thats ME making a wish with a shiny penny!!! (You can probably GUESS what I am wishing for...)

Historic points of interest displaying the Red, White and Blue to celebrate Fourth of July!

Relaxing on a beautiful day on a comfy porch with a glass of wine!

TONS of scenery shots...Too many to post them all!

Amazingly delicious food at so many places. This was our B&B breakfast...

Even IIII had paparazzi....Sneaky people taking pics of people taking pics!

And, yup. **blink, blink** Thats even a horse in a window....

7 - Happy news....and timing.

6/26/09

I wish I could say things improved; they did not.

After my month reprieve from my marriage and my newly minted play-life, I was used to being home. I had to stay at my own house for the whole month as the National Guard would not allow me back to our house in his state. Not that I tried hard to gain entrance. There was no running water, electricity, working kitchen, pool cage, love, respect, happiness. LOL! Well, not really something you laugh about, but I was just fine not to go back and put on a front, playing house when it felt like prison. So, I very much took advantage of seeing my family and friends and working where I was comfortable, continuing my marriage from afar, hunkering down once again into an independent, comfy, muscle-memory existence - circle the wagons, home to roost. So, he took care of his house that we so lovingly remodeled that immediately was shred by Mother Nature, a sinister boys clubhouse message to me of STAY OUT! No prob, Mom! This is segregation Ill be happy to oblige!

After that great month, I did return, did as I was told/expected and resumed my spot as the pepper to Mr. Salty, perched in my bland relationship. So we went back to the day-to-day that we had started, only this time surrounded by repairmen, insurance papers and regional devastation, the talk of the gym, every newscast, and each family dinner we attended, ad nauseam. I didnt care and I was sick of pretending that I did. I just wanted to go home.

A month or so later on a return trip back to my home, I was unexpectedly blessed with amazing otherwordly news - a percolating grandchild, one very much wanted, never expected, totally all-encompassing words that only happens once in a mothers lifetime, that grandparenthood is approaching, all bets are off, your life is changing, softening, happily, and you better be ready to make some life-changing, life-settling decisions as you only get a first grandchild once. The news caught me totally off-guard, creeping up slyly from behind and wrapping me in an embrace you hope never ends, satisfying a mothers need she never realized she had, but had nonetheless, possibly her whole life. It can not be replicated, nor should it be.

I knew then that I had no decision to make. That is a decision that is made for you; its called instinct and theres no fighting it, not that I wanted to - as I most definitely did not. I was coming home...the question was when.

You see, timing is everything...

TODAY:
Im not working today. Its been a tough work time for me, as it is for the majority of Americans in this economy. There is not enough work for the hours that I am required to put in and the pay is retreating, although I do appreciate the small raise I received once I requested it this week. I do love my job, my company, my superiors, but...Ive got new business ideas I am trying to assemble. Slowly those puzzle pieces are coming together - but not quite fast enough for my impatient, stomp-your-foot, 2-year-old-tantrum self. I wish the house would sell so money would no longer be a question mark on the business plan. We did have 2 showings this week, but so far nothing further. There is an open house this weekend, so I am praying already. Im taking a short trip with an old friend this weekend (well, the friend is not old - teehee) that I am looking forward to. I am hoping to get some good pictures and find a few shopping treasures! - if the weather that is supposed to be nearing the century mark cooperates and the rain stays away long enough to enjoy. This will be my first visit to a Bed and Breakfast, and I doubt I should have waited until I was 45 to try one on for size!

MOOD:
Im having a sad day. At least it is today, the day BEFORE my short vacation. I wrote earlier that I hate these boxes of sad in between my better moods and my happier days. I wish they would start to make themselves scarce. They are the commas in my run-on sentences, and I was told they are mostly a girl thing. Boys have all the luck...

6 - That First Year In Fast Forward

6/19/09

And that is how that first year began, literally at the beginning of the year with a lie. We pretended things were good, and they definitely were different. I should so very much have been looking forward to this newly-married period. Instead, the moment ruined, I spent about 6 weeks at my new home in my new state and then would fly home for a week and work there, or it was 4 weeks away and a long weekend at home. If it was just for the weekend, DH2 would come as well and we would make our rounds with the families, checking on my house, mini-vacationing. My frequent flyer miles were piling on, my carry-on luggage perpetually packed, first-name-basis friendly with the pilot and first officer of the Friday flight home and ditto for the Sunday flight back. I think they were considering giving me my own parking spot at the airport. The funny thing was, the more I came home, the more I wanted to be home. Being home for a week never seemed to scratch my itch. My daughter had gotten married just a few weeks after we had, in a courthouse - because she is smart. I missed my children, and I missed my family. I missed my house, my home, all that was me. I felt like the plucked weed from my home, yet the tiny seed dropped on dry, hard, unyielding ground, unrooted, never to be rooted, in the new state.

It isnt like I didnt try in the new place. I worked on redecorating and updating his house, with his overwhelming blessing. It was a benefit to us both as it gave me something to do and it definitely built the equity in his home. I worked out at the local exclusive gym, got a library card, found a stylist to highlight my hair, met a few friends, went for massages and mani-pedis, read a bundle of books, and missed home. Did I mention yet how much I missed home?

Time was a whirlwind of days filled with a whole lotta nothin'. We both worked, worked hard on his house, shopped and ate out, and watched an eternity of TV. Movies filled the other weekend nights along with a snoring husband, tears of homesickness, a slowly churning dislike building for this new place I would never call home.

I continued to travel and live out of a suitcase and work and just be. Not much more. During this time I had my identify stolen following a break-in of my vehicle while not far from our home. Scary, to say the least. It was a time that I felt lost, off balance, out of sorts, no identity, no phone, no camera, no personal belongings, no debit or credit card, nothing, all in a strange place. It was unexpected, scary, vertiginous, and only deepened my disdain for this place I could walk away from and never look back at the drop of a hat.

Then, within a few short weeks of this, just about the time I started to be able to sleep at night again, to feel a bit more settled, we were hit by a natural disaster. Not an "oh-I-am-so-dramatic" natural disaster. No, this was the "our-house-was-just-on-CNN" natural disaster. We evacuated to another state, taking one suitcase and pictures and only the most sacred items. I felt so lucky I did not have kids or pets or much that I cared about yet in my new location. I felt bad but not devastated the midday that we walked away from that house. I left that day and our town was hit like a bulls eye, head-on, taking with it all the work we had begun on the house, and a month or more of our lives, as I was not allowed back in by the National Guard for a month as I had never had my drivers license name or address changed after the wedding and the town had been completely eviscerated and placed on military lockdown, no electricity or water for weeks. I would not return for over a month. It was a hard time for anyone. I felt bad, but not much more.

Good Lordy - How much more plague and pestilence could someone throw on my plate, in my face, in such a short time to get me to pay attention. Well, Im not so arrogant to think that a hurricane was meant just for me, but I do feel in some small way that I should have taken things as a sign. But then again, you know what they say about hindsight...

TODAY:
Our big house for sale will no longer be available to show unless I am on premises and have opened the house up myself and then lock it myself. I might just happen to mention the words unethical, unprofessional, illegal, unforgivable at this point. These are 4 words that have become personified to me in the last few days. You can only play dumb for so long. People who know better, should act like they know better. I am tired of being walked all over, and I did finally speak up. It was a long time coming, but this time the line was crossed and it will not happen again. I was giving this family too much credit, thinking and often proclaiming how much I liked them, how nice they were. I dont and they arent. Nuff said.

MOOD:
Hhhhhmmmm, stressed and worried. Wishing this next week was over.

5 - Can you say mundane?

6/17/09

As soon as we pulled into our own driveway of the house we would share in his hometown, it was as if the night before had never happened. Dont ask/dont tell? Outta site/outta mind? Saving face? Call it what you will, but the truth of the matter was that I had chosen to continue on as if nothing happened, which means he had gotten away with, well, whatever he wanted. A pattern was set, and I blame myself.

We settled back into our jobs: He was the ever-lying salesman, out in the world to wine and dine, call and text, work or not as he saw fit, puffing up with success by sitting in the lap of a bloated market in a time when most people were succeeding, improving their net worth, spending lavishly, monetarily out of control. He worked this employment position for all it was worth, eating out extravagantly at lunch or dinner, treating himself to a nice meal even if he had no one else to treat. He talked on his Crackberry most hours of the day, at one point logging in at around 6 to 7 hours worth of minutes - per day, every day of the month. Lord only knows who he was talking to. I, for one, did NOT know, lest we forget the tried and true: Dont ask/dont tell. I can tell you that I am not a military brat, but I obviously would have excelled at it if I had been!!

I, on the other hand, worked at home, alone, in a back office with 2 windows, both too high to see out of unless I stood up from my computer, which I rarely did - HEY, you cant have everything. You see, if I was not physically producing, working the keyboard, entering data lickety-split, I dont get paid. So, every phone call (which I only took if it was my husband or one of my children), every chime of the doorbell (which never happened since I lived in a strange and unfamiliar state), every glance to the left, peer out the window or trip to the bathroom cost me money, and I work hard. Its my claim to fame.

So, while I sat isolated at home in new, foreign surroundings, DH2 went off to work each day to play with his friends, chat on his phone, drive around, shop, eat out and carry on as if life had not changed. Well, it really hadnt. He had no more boundaries as a married man than he had when he was single. If he slipped up, cheated, took the day off, spent the day at the bar, who was going to share that with me? No one, as I knew no one. He was oh-so-lucky to have married the fool who rarely opened her mouth - no complaining or nagging from me. I had not up until then, and I certainly had set the precedent that I would not stick up for myself now. He was free to roam...and roam he did...

As we balanced our married life, doing what most people do every day, movie-going or shopping or dining out on the weekends, we looked fairly Cleaver-ish, pretty normal, unassuming. But, this chickadee was beginning to get homesick, feel quite out of sorts, unappreciated, taken advantage of to a degree, bored....and a-lone.

TODAY:
Since some things were missing out of the big house last time I was there, I decided I might make a few things disappear as well. Well, 1 thing actually. Boy, does it make waves when I finally do open my mouth! I dont like being taken advantage of because I try to keep my mouth shut and not make a big deal out of things or hurt others' feelings. Im not usually paid the same respect. In fact, I very rarely am. I also dont like unprofessionalism. I think this might be a good place to mention once again my favorite idea: Be Kind. People, please. Just be kind.

Ive got a few fun, time-consuming ideas in the works, and its fun to have a purpose, or more accurately a mind-escape, although Im struggling with some family issues right now. Its okay. I just care too much. I need to cut. that. out.

MOOD:
Im okay (a lil pissy - see unprofessionalism comment above). My work is getting more frustrating, but maybe that is the plan. Maybe it is just because I am not paying enough attention. Elle! Pay.a.tten.tion!!!

4 - What do I do now??

6/12/09

I could ask Jesus...What have I done? But, Im not sure I was listening even if he was answering. I was marginally devastated by my predicament. I was now 5 days into a marriage already gimpy, broken, ugly - but to what degree? Obviously, to an outsider, the answer was painfully clear: Beyond repair, you blind idiot! I really was sightless, as in no vision, unable to see what my future would hold or could hold or what path was the one that would lead me to a happy life, one I thought I wholly deserved.

I spent that night tossing and turning but mostly staring at the ceiling, weighing my options. Do I leave or stay, remain with him forever like I had just recently promised or cut my losses early in this stupid game. My bags already packed, I was not sure if I would try to sneak out, taking all my stuff and driving my car all the way back to my home state and leaving his miserable ass behind, walk out proudly and never look back, confront him as I left, spike his morning coffee with arsenic, or as per usual - say nothing at all. I was dreading unlocking my door, dreading the confrontation, dreading interacting at any level with this mouse that was now my husband, my partner in crime, my partner in life. Again, Jesus, what have I done?

So, as the sun rose on the puffy-eyed, crushed me, I showered and prepared to leave. As I was finished, ready to make a quick exit, anxious to put the walk of shame through the lobby behind me, I gathered my stuff and unlocked to the door, immediately confronted by Mr. Wonderful.

He was all milky apology and double talk, begging for forgiveness, for another chance, reprieve. He swore it would never happen again, it was the alcohol, it was my teasing, it was....oh, we both knew good and well there was no excuse. Good Lord, we had been through this before and I had caved every time, taking him back when I knew I should not, when I had been advised by my friends that I should not, when I had been begged by my family to PLEASE not - take him back. I knew if I did it again that my life was on a slippery slope. I had left my house, my family, my adult children and everything I had ever known for this person, who just a few short days after the ink was dry had turned into the person I had seen glimpses of but had refused to admit he really was, who had been deviously, manipulatingly, salesman-ishly hidden from me all this time. I told him everything I wanted to say that morning, the last of our honeymoon, how I thought he was a drunk, mean, unbearable, unforgivable, and then I forgave him, begrudgingly but forgave him still.

Oh yes, sports fans....I did. We left there together as a couple. My lovely farce of a marriage would continue with this unabashed jerk, and we would drop back into step quite quickly, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb (that would be me), carrying on as if nothing at all had happened (to the outside world), me reverting a little farther behind the wall I was building between he and I, he with another notch on his belt, another unforgivable thing he was forgiven for and had gotten away with, another step toward me in our tango, while I looked down and stepped at least 1 step in reverse. Perfect timing.

No one would know for a long time that this happened, although in my emotional wall I was building between us this was not a brick settled cozily in its mortar. No, this was a whole row, maybe more, cemented in, never to be removed, stiff and sturdy and readied for the Big Bad Wolf. From this point on, the wall builds quickly and is square and strong, thanks to my significant other, the man I have chosen to spend my life with, the man I am subconsciously protecting myself from.

A good friend once told me: You can hurt me and hurt me, but each time it will hurt a little less until one day it wont hurt at all....

TODAY:
Some utilities were canceled, some money saved, some lawn mowed, some business taken care of today, which always makes a person feel good - accomplishment and non-laziness is back-pattingly encouraging! There has been some shady dealings with the for-sale house, and I am less than pleased. Since divorce is not pretty and this one is starting to turn fugly to say the least, we'll leave it at that, but lets just say there are less things INSIDE the house in the last week thanks to some stealth-like maneuvering by someone other than myself. But, never fear, people who get away with bad things only become more brazen, less careful, more puffy. Careful....

MOOD:
Great. I got a lot accomplished today and Baby N now has a new playset! I also received a lovely pair of earrings I ordered from a shop on Etsy today and it made my day....see them here:

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=23828241

They absolutely helped make my day!!

3 - Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!!

6/7/09

Since yesterday pretty much sucked with this whole thing, its probably a good thing we are at this point of my tribunal. Comments from my closest family and friends are that I have been too nice thus far, evening out the ruts in the road, putting lipstick on the chapped lips. Well, I dont see it as I always try to look at both sides even though I was hurt. Today, Im not sugarcoating this fugly rant. This is my recall of our final honeymoon day. Enjoy!

As I said before, I wore a sassy dress and heels and was excited to give this "Dinner and a Movie" a try. I loved it! We sat at a small table and ordered our casual food and a pitcher of beer. This night was turning into such fun. The movie was some odd love story, an inane plotline where Jennifer Aniston is pursued by Kevin Costner. I really dont remember the story line, but as we ate our food and downed our beer, I remember ribbing (now - YAY! Im married) DH2, repetitively saying...who cares how stupid the story line is - Its. Kevin. Costner. - and I would sleep with him too if he were in MY movie! I thought I was hysterical as I quite honestly see nothing at all attractive about KC, but he is the "Mr. Dreamy" of my generation, so it was a good line. I do have to say that I was totally oblivious to the fact that I alone thought my joking was funny and innocently continued my sarcastic onslaught. Little did I know that on this last day of the supposedly happiest week of our life I was getting under the skin of Mr. Thoughtful, Mr. Im Not Who I Lead You To Believe I Was, "The Hubs..."

Okay, so I wasnt so nice. I honestly thought I was being funny. Guess not, b/c as the show ended, we made our way out into the mall area, hoping to find a small spot to do that dancing that had been so elusive up to this point even though DH2 had promised to "make that happen." I was in a great mood as I had thoroughly enjoyed our dinner and a movie. So, shoulders draped with DH2's jacket as the warm breeze turned cool, our dancing search began. We passed up a few nondancing restaurants on our walk until we came upon one, door open, chalkboard touting a name I had never heard of. Hoping for a local band, we approached the doorman, who told us that, sorry, it was a comedy club. DH2 was very excited to try this out. Uhhmmmm...dancing, anyone? I sort of hemmed and hawed for a second, not wanting to insult the doorman, still on my quest for a 2-step or even a prom-like slow dance. I backed away, thanked the man at the door I would never see again and did a quick head-jerk, hoping DH and I still had time to finish our mission. We walked away and turned the corner to head a different direction, I in the lead with DH2 right behind me....

And as soon as we rounded the corner, it began. An angry, under-the-breath tirade welling up from DH2. Are you kidding me right now? Could I truly be hearing what I thought I was hearing? I continued to walk, and as we distanced ourselves from the scuttle of people outside the comedy club and in the main area of the outdoor mall, his voice increased, angrier still, repetitively jabbing with each word like a dagger in my back. I guess at that point, fueled with a building rage at my teasing about Kevin Costner and my not wanting to attend the comedy club that we had only happened upon, DH began a continuous rant, berating me, everything about me, calling me everything but a white girl, how dare I not want to sit at a comedy club with him, how dare I walk away and embarrass him, how dare I comment like I had at the movie, how dare I, I dunno, breathe too loud? It was continuous, degrading, increasing in volume, hateful, uncalled for, unexpected, belittling filth...and I continued to walk. And he continued this, trailing me all the way to our car, for all to see, and hear.

We both got in the car, and still it did not stop.

We drove the short distance to the hotel, and still it did not stop.

We valet parked our car, and still it did not stop.

We entered this lovely hotel where we were married just a few days before, and still it did not stop.

We made the humiliating march through the marble lobby where the staff had called us by our first names for five days, and still it did not stop.

We rode up several floors in an elevator, and still it did not stop.

Down the hall to our suite, and still it did not stop.

We entered our suite, shut the door, at which point I turned to my drunken, angry, tyrannical, newlywed husband and said only, "You. Are. Psychotic."

I made the short trip down the hall to our bedroom, shut the door, locked it firmly, and quickly packed everything I had brought, including that f-ing stupid wedding dress. While he lolled in a chair in the main room of our gorgeous suite, already inebriated out of his mind, and finished off a fifth of rum, I lay down in our marital bed and thought...Jesus, what have I done?

TODAY:
No comment.

MOOD:
From what has happened in the last few days and writing this part of the story, I am so angry...I think I will refrain from comment.

2 - And The Short-Lived Honeymoon Begins

6/3/09

The short-but-sweet ceremony ended with a kiss and some nervous laughter. We took a few more formally posed and a few candid pictures to take full advantage of a gloriously beautiful sunset at a western shore of sugar sand before we signed the official papers and headed up to the hotel for an outdoor dinner and COCKTAILS!! Oh, with the mountain of nerves, these flowed with a heavy hand this particular night, both in celebration and relief that the actual "I Dos" were complete.

We dined and toasted with a high-end champagne and finished with a lovely 2-layer wedding cake prepared by an award-winning French-trained pasty chef. It was amazing, but tasted disgusting! LOL Ever tasted fondant? Eeee-yuck! Anyway, by the time the cake was cut, I had enough bubbly in my system to anesthetize my taste buds, my nerves, my heart, my truckload of worry weighing me down. Good thing. Now, if I could have just kept that up for the rest of the honeymoon....

So, the vacay was to last the 5 days of that week, with the newlyweds (US!) exploring and enjoying the island. I work hard, so this vacation was very much needed, very much anticipated. We planned to lay on the beach, eat out, and have as much fun as we could. It was winter, but the weather was fair...too cold for me to enjoy a swimsuit in the water but nice enough to be outside and wear all the amazingly adorable shoes AND sundresses I had brought with me. All throughout the week and even leading up to the honeymoon, we both had discussed that the one thing we wanted to do was spend a night dancing, hopefully to live music. Genre of music, location, what we wore really made no difference. It was just the one thing I really had my heart set on and had stated was the only thing I really wanted to make sure we did that week, to which the groom replied, "I WILL make that happen." Score one in the PLUS column for him!

We had a wine pairing dinner dressed to the nines one night, which I would sign up to do every night of my life if I could. We wandered the island, shopping, cuddling, eating and drinking like we were, well, on vacation! Our time was slipping away, and it was finally the last night and still the dancing eluded us. So, we made plans to dress up and go to a place on the island that was called Dinner and a Movie (after which he promised we would search high and low for a place to dance). Now, I had never done "dinner and a movie" before and did not even know that this existed, but let me say that I thoroughly enjoy this innovative concept! If youve never been able to try this, the idea is that you go to a movie theater with first-run movies and sit either theater style in your run-of-the-mill theater seating but with little retractable tabletops like old-school school primer desks or sit (first come/first served) at various levels at actual tables to dine while you watch the movie, a fully equipped restaurant, complete with waitresses and tipping and the whole works. Superb idea!! and a lot of fun.

I wore a sassy dress and heels and was excited to give this a try. I loved it! We sat at a small table and ordered our casual food and a pitcher of beer. This night was turning into such fun. The movie was some odd love story, an inane plotline where Jennifer Anniston is pursued by Kevin Costner. I really dont remember the story line, but as we ate our food and downed our beer, I remember ribbing (now) DH2, repetitively saying...who cares how stupid the story line is - Its. Kevin. Costner. - and I would sleep with him too if he were in MY movie! I thought I was hysterical as I quite honestly see nothing at all attractive about KC, but he is the "Mr. Dreamy" of my generation, so it was a good line. I do have to say that I was totally oblivious to the fact that I alone thought my joking was funny and innocently continued my sarcastic onslaught. Little did I know that on this last day of the supposedly happiest week of our life I was getting under the skin of Mr. Thoughtful, Mr. Im Not Who I Lead You To Believe I Was, "The Hubs..."

Well, well, Elle: Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner!

TODAY:
Well, I had some work today again. I hope this is a good trend. I hauled all Baby N's stuff in, worked on a dress, did all my laundry, talked to family and friends, saw my DD and just had a fairly unremarkable day. Realtor called and said yesterday's open house went well. I have a sneaking suspicion that DH2 (STBX) is coming to town this weekend from his land far, far away. Pray Im wrong. He called this week about the house, and I was pleasant but short with him. The line in the sand has been drawn, and there will be NO crossing it.

MOOD:
Okey-dokey!

1 - Wedding Ceremony

6/2/09

Hard to believe it is June already (appropriately the traditional wedding month).

Well, the downhill slide honestly does not begin just yet; we have a little spot of uphill to go and then the slippery slope can commence:

I was all packed and ready to head to the boutique hotel where we were getting married on its private beach. I was traveling several hours by car, and DH2 had stayed at his parents and knew I was driving somewhere I had never been. Since I had not heard from him since the night before, it WAS our wedding day (God only knows where he had been or what he had been doing the night before) and he had been precisely clear that he would be available by phone in case I got lost driving in this new terrain, I placed that "Happy Wedding Day" shout-out phone call (even though I had yet to hear from him). **voicemail**

No, I didnt really need anything and no I wasnt lost, but he did not know that. Nope, no answer from Mr. Thoughtful. So, I continued on my way, trying not to let it bother me as my head was swimming with things to do, things not to forget, things I wish I could forget, and still no return phone call. Almost to my destination, he finally found time to return my call, and I think this is the very first time I can remember consciously (although it had happened a million times before I am sure)holding my tongue and pretending not to notice inconsiderations or things that bugged me to "save the day," to continue smooth waters in this downward eddy, to play nice. So, when I answered that call, I put on the face of joy, excitement, wide-eyed enthusiasm for a relationship I was not even really looking forward to so much.

The day progressed as I checked into this beautiful Italian tile, massive floral arrangements, humble service at every muscle twitch hotel, was upgraded to a TWO bedroom suite on the water, and felt my spirits buoyed. I received flowers (not from DH2), bottles of champagne and special treats, wrapped gifts and many phone calls from family and friends, well-wishers all wishing us well, excited for us and our impending new life. The day continued on and improved slowly but surely with my mood in fervent tow (the champagne did not hurt). I had a long bubble bath while chatting with my friends, a few tears here and there, the luxury of hair (which I did not like) and makeup done for me, and my beautiful flower bouquet arrived - the only thing in the wedding which I had ordered specifically and had set in my heart what they would look like. And they arrived and were perfect...sigh. How easily I am swayed.

I dressed with a little assistance by the concierge and waited for the hour to arrive. Mr. Thoughtful showed up on time before our pictures, and we enjoyed a hug, a glass of wine, small talk - my mood was quite definitely on the upswing now! We were ready and headed down to the beach, where we received some cheers, best wishes and good thoughts all around from strangers. Pictures were done in as painless a fashion as possible, and we briskly headed to the beach as the ceremony was timed to the minute to coincide with the sunset.

Me in my big old white inappropriate cottonball ballgown and he in his dark suit with beautiful long tie stood hand in hand on a warm, breezy beach at the end of an unremarkable day to "join in holy matrimony" in a ceremony punctuated with a few readings and a poem I had picked out, surprised by the clergy with a passage he thought he could not include but cleverly did, which made me cry... It was a slow, simple verse about growing old together. It made me emotional as I had always thought it beautiful, so appropriate for a wedding, but probably not ours as, sadly, I could not say that I thought it would come true for us. In fact, in just a very, very brief period of time, I would have an exclamation point added to my inkling that I knew it never would...

YESTERDAY/TODAY:
Well, open house was Sunday and had a few lookers, but it has been 2 days and no word, so obviously no takers. I just wish some nice family with a lot of teenagers or almost-teenagers would buy it, if for no other reason than it needs a family to love it. Im starting to feel bad for my redheaded stepsister of a home that no one wants. I will be moving out Baby N's room today from the big house. I also did some beading yesterday and had almost a full day of work, which was nice for a change as the money situation continues on the decline. A family member (teehee)locked her keys in her car, so I had a quick trip out of town to help out yesterday morning, which was a nice way to break up my boring day.

MOOD:
Optimistic, good, even though it is gloomy and rainy out. Maybe at the time I start to discuss the downturn in my marriage, things will take an upturn in my life now, the yin to my yang! I can only hope!