13 - The Day of the Wedding

5/30/09

I woke up in a strange bed (his) in a strange house (his) in a different state far from my home (his) with a tickly tummy (mine, all mine). You know how you wake up, and even before you open your eyes, you have butterflies but it takes a second before your brain can focus and you remember why? Was I happy, excited, nervous, experiencing dread? It took me just that fraction of a moment, and then it all came flooding back, where I was, and why. Oh yes - wedding day! I assumed the butterflies were excitement with a smattering of nerves. This was my wedding day! I was excited but less so than I thought, not emotional like I thought I would be. I chalked it up to age, wisdom, experience with this particular nuptial day as I had done it once before. I languished in bed for a while with the southern sun brightening the room. When we were kids and we would go out in the morning and the sky was the color of "ocean" in the crayon box and it was comfortably warm, we would always say, "Its a wedding day!" To me it looked just like one of those days, and I told that story a few times that day leading up to the wedding. I think I was trying to line up the feng-shui of my life.

I really did not have much to do that morning before I was scheduled to leave around 10 AM. I lounged where I was and tried to enjoy the non-rush of the early morning. I was prepared, packed, primed, so I had time for a cup of coffee and to relax before heading out.

I think I was waiting for the sentimental surprise that I figured DH2 would bestow upon me: A singing telegram perhaps, a flower delivery, a new car in the driveway or perhaps even just a wake up phone call to punctuate the importance of the day, the sash on the beauty queen, the candidate's acceptance speech, the Sharpie highlighter through "Wedding Day" on the to-do list. Nada. Nothing out of the ordinary happened that morning, at all. I actually wondered if people in real life ever canceled at this point. I am sure out in the big wide world there are people who call their significant other and confess that they just cant do it, that theyve changed their mind. Weve all heard the stories of brides left standing at the alter. Those stories are always told as so sad, the bride partying until she pukes at her solo reception, taking her honeymoon to Hawaii accompanied by her maid of honor as a stand-in. Im not so brave. I feel too bad for everyone all the time. Short of death or natural disaster, this wedding would be taking place, today, in just 10 hours, 27 minutes, 9 seconds....tickticktick...

Did I want to? Yes. Did I have a feeling I was making a mistake? Probably. Somewhere deep down I knew that I did not want to live so far from my family, that IIII was the one, once again, to be sacrificing for someone else, that I really did not want to wear a huge Scarlett O'Hara curtain-rod cloud at sunset on a beach far from home and vow to stay forever. So, then why go through with it? Because I am a closer. I do what I say, almost to a fault. I had promised this day to a man who seemed to want it more than anything, and I was hoping that this pinky-swear bond would make this laziestmanIhaveevermet a closer as well, promising to stay, not cheat, not lie, act married, take care of me like he said, and make me happy forever, and ever, and ever. I was counting on just that. My personal contact cement.

Let the downhill slide begin....

12 - The Week of Our Wedding

5/28/09

The week of our long-awaited ceremony quickly came upon us. How did it get here so fast? You know how it is when something good is on the horizon and it takes for-EVER to get here? Yeah. Well, obviously, this should have been a red flag, smoke signal, something, anything - that it came rushing up like the subway breeze under Marilyn Monroe's white halter sundress and blew me away... I am over-organized, a planner, compartmentalization is my middle name. The planning I did methodically. It came together like elevator doors, quickly and with a snap - Im closing in and you cant stop me!! I worked a few days the week of the wedding and planned to travel mid week. I spent the night before I left out of town tying up loose ends, picking up the last odds and ends to facilitate perfection, every details finalized on this end. During that evening before I left, I received a call from my children and their significant others at my home, accompanied by my friends, who were having a fine time celebrating and popping the bubbly, toasting me and my departure as I waited in the checkout line in some inane shop. Another sign - Everyone celebrating but me! I did make it home in time to tip a flute in celebration and hug and enjoy a short time with them all before they left me alone for the nerves to set in - Was I actually doing this? I think I asked myself this only in a fleeting moment here and there, while my loved ones, Im sure now, wanted to shake me violently and scream it in my face. I was on a mission, one set in motion only a few brief months previously when I accepted that IM message and shortly thereafter told DH2 that we were to be married or we would be forever apart. So, I tied up all the loose ends, packing meticulously; I think I carried that big old white ballgown thru the airport and security. Holy cow. I dont recall seeing uniformed people with straight jackets looking for me, but I am sure at my age people had to be thinking I was certifiable.

That next morning I left my home of over 20 years to make the semi-final move out of state, to change my life, to leave MY life behind. I was ready. I had on my rose-colored glasses, and I was out the door.

The next few days were a whirlwind, finishing details and packing for the final time once I was in his state. I think the wedding was to occur on a Sunday, at sunset, so I had a few days to prepare once there, and it took every minute of those days to feel ready, to talk myself into it, to feel assured, ensured that this was good, healthy, right.

He finished up work that week and accepted congratulations from friends and colleagues. I worked on announcements to be mailed post ceremony, while he watched the Simpsons and packed his suit. Please, laziestmanIhaveevermet - At least ACT like you are putting some thought into this.

That Saturday night he planned to stay at his parents, who lived just 30 minutes away. We were holding to that "dont see each other until the ceremony tradition" as we needed all the luck we could get. Or, should I say, we needed to make sure all the BAD luck was held at bay. No under-ladder walking, wishbone breaking, black cat crossing or stepping on cracks for me....huh-uh. No way. I was taking this seriously, and we were not taking chances. So, the night before, I bid him goodbye, worked on my nails, checked my bags to make sure I had everything, confirmed reservations, and sat down, exhausted. I think I ran myself ragged so I would have no energy to reflect, to contemplate what I was doing.

What was it, again, that I was doing?

TODAY:
Well, I had a little more work today and I pick up a new account tomorrow, so I am hoping to make up some ground with the pay cut by working extra on an extra account. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Quite the miscue on the house situation. There is now an open house THIS weekend, which I would not have known if I had not contacted my realtor by chance. She had her dates crossed, and come to find out DH2 will be in town sometime soon and neglected to let me know. Fishy much? He did touch base with me by phone a few days ago and after all this time commented that he was disappointed by how this particular phone convo had gone, thinking I would come to my senses and decide I missed him so much I could not live without him and was moving back to live there and be together with him, married. Huh? Say what?

MOOD:
Oh, its good. If this flippin house would just sell, life would be even better.

11 - The Plan

5/23/09

So, over the next few short months between quasi-proposal (me to him, online), these things occurred:

* We actually spoke on the phone. Small, SMALL details!!
* I put the ring back on my finger (very unceremoniously, I might add).
* We set a date and time for our wedding.
* I made arrangements for hotel, ceremony, officiant, hair, makeup, decorations, dinner, cake, transportation, wardrobe, pictures, records, application...well, you get the idea.
* He vetoed may already purchased destination wedding gown, which was strapless, straight with a trumpet-y mermaid bottom, barely sweep train. He did not see the actual dress but was distressed as he had never been married and he wanted me in a "gown." You know, the big ballroom, glittery-glitz of a gown reserved for the younger set, someone less than 40 and with less than 40 years of wrinkles. So, I set about to buy a big old marshmallow puff of a dress, long chapel train, spock-ly!! - to make him happy. I figured no one would be there but us, so why sweat the small stuff. (This also began my obsession with wedding gowns, just not my own.)
* He bought a dark suit.
* We battled his family over everything. As you recall, when we first were going to be married before the breakup, his family gave every excuse under the sun why they could not be there. THIS time we had decided that no one would be there but us - less stress for us, less fighting amongst his family. Of course, they did not take this lying down. They gave us grief for 1) not asking them to the ceremony even though there was no way they were going to be available - BUT STILL!, 2) that we were near them geographically but were not inviting them, 3) that they could not believe that DH2 was not going to have his mother at his wedding, not even if it was to stand up on the pier and watch from afar (gag me), 4) that we did not include them or their children in the ceremony, 5) that he chose me. Now, that one, #5, I can understand, but it wasnt like he looked down the mile-long line of hopefuls and chose me, eeny-meeny-miny-moe. Come on! He'd been around for almost half a decade and had never been married or engaged. Give me a freakin break people!
* Last but not least, I made the decision to move all those miles from home, to his state, to live. Oh, just shoot me know, thinking back on this. My poor, poor adult children. They had to have been tapping their foot, looking at their watches, thinking - Wonder how long this will last.

So, as we dealt with his ever-fake family, the plans were made and the day approached.

TODAY:
I am very much having a depressed day. I think it is b/c it is the holiday weekend and I am just kind of working and lounging and I should get the heck up off my arse. I did plant flowers today and worked and got my oil changed and looked at furniture, but I feel like I did nothing. Im back to trying to figure out how to fill my time and feel 1) not broke, 2) productive, 3) happy again.

MOOD:
"Please tell me it will be okay."

10 - Of course, YES!!

5/18/09

Well, of course, he said yes. He agreed to it all, no question, whatever I wanted. I think this was the point for his joy-joy dance. Just tell me when, where, how was his immediate response. I should have never doubted it, silly me. He was all for the whole plan, whatever that plan may have panned out to be. And, why would he NOT be all for it? He had had months to party, act single, act out, sleep with whoever, be an adolescent to the Nth degree. Boy, the man of my dreams!

So, we set plans in motion. A private wedding on the beach, just the two of us, set for just 2 months from then. We had had such a big fuss with his family with the planning of the first wedding, no one being able to single out a day that worked for them all, their excuses ranging from barely believable to absurd. So, this time I was set on making it just the two of us at a private ceremony. His family did not care enough about us to want to change their trips to the library or dog grooming appointments at the last date, so I was taking no chances this time that there would be any arguments in that regard. We would do our thing and send everyone pictures. He was good with that. He would buy a dark suit and I would wear a gown (he had never been married so this was important to him). We would marry on a beach, preferably at a resort where we would also honeymoon for a few days or so. I am a girly-girl but really not fussy. I knew there were only a few things I really wanted at a wedding and they were 1) a certain bouquet I had long ago fallen in love with, 2)a few much-loved verses and readings and 3) privacy - complete and utter privacy so that we could enjoy our day. His family would not be happy, but let them whine; they were going to no matter what anyway.

Again, he was all for this. My family and friends wished us well with great surprise. You see, I had not shared my plan with anyone. I did not want anyone to talk me out of it, and I knew that they were of sound mind for the most part so there was a HUGE chance that they would try to do just that. I was dodging the taking of my shoulders and shaking me bruskly, eyes huge, questioning my sanity. Ha! Take THAT, oh sane ones! All avoided with a well-planned song and dance by me, AFTER the deed had already been done. I may be blonde, but Im no dummy...

So, the ring went back on my finger, a suit was purchased, a site was chosen, along with a flurry of emails from the concierge at this small private resort on a beach, trying to plan a wedding in just a few short months. I had not a care in the world... I was getting married!!!

TODAY:
No work again. The stress is mounting. I wish I could get a break, just a little bit of peace or peace of mind at least. I had a rotten, emotional day yesterday, heartsick after a church service about pivotal moments in your life. My pivotal moment was not about this relationship but about a prized first grandson, lost, so greatly wanted yet lost nonetheless. The hurt just doesnt seem to fade.

MOOD:
Still sad, heartachy, lump in the throat kind of day.

9 - Say it like you mean it

5/16/09

We had made that initial contact by instant messenger,and now it was up to me to gather my nerve and be honest about what was expected, spill the beans, clearly. We had only spoken once, briefly, on-line, but the next time we spoke I knew I needed to tell him exactly what I wanted, what I thought I needed, what WOULD happen or that nothing would happen at all. It seems like an ultimatum on the downswing, sort of like telling someone they HAVE to do something that they have already agreed to do OR ELSE. How weird is that? Misguided and probably delusional, control-freakish to say the least.

I knew I would be telling him I wanted to be married, that that would be the plan or there would be no plan at all. I also knew at that point it was most likely a proposition he would agree to and would also want, however I worded it. He had called me daily unanswered for many months, so the assumption was that he would be happy to hear this, ready to sign on the dotted line. Now I think back and want to shake ME, firmly - get a grip! There is no control in demanding something that will gladly be agreed to. But, I felt so in control, so bold, so above faltering. Uhm....it really does not take much courage to order someone around who not only feels indebted to you, is apologetic for mistakes made and very much desirous to have you in their life. How much bossing or demanding would that require? Boy, I was strong, huh?

I was fooling myself. I think now it was a personal self-pat on the back. Good girl, you hung in there and got what you wanted. But, the obvious question is - why did you want it? God only knows, insecurity, a wayward sense of entitlement, a mistaken thought of what was good for me I guess.

So, the next exchange was also by a combination of IM and email if I remember correctly. I logged on, and he was once again waiting for my log-in. I told him I was interested in getting back together but what I wanted was a man who could leave his single life behind, act "taken" and not single, get on the same path in life as me with common goals, financially and familially, and then act married since he soon would be married. Sheesh! Say it like ya mean it, will ya? Dont hold back! Well, if nothing else, I definitely laid it on the line, no wavering, no question, no gray area in this exchange. I was bossy, bold, never straying from the script of the only life I would allow myself to have. I told him if he agreed and this is what he wanted in life as well, that we would be engaged, the dinner plate would go back on my hand, we would plan a private wedding, and we would plan it for soon.

I remember then I felt so in control, the ever-confident pilot, and what I now realize is I was scared, scared to be alone, scared to ever have someone who would say no in a situation like this, scared to have a partner who would question what I saw as right, normal, expected. More than being afraid to be wrong or even alone, I think I was petrified to start over, at the beginning, with someone new, a new script, a life that might not be the one that I had envisioned, my planned path...now obviously the wrong fork in the road.

TODAY:
Well, they showed the house today, which is a start. No word, so that's obviously not good news. Oh, wait: Just got word - Not what this buyer was looking for, so another public open house in 2 weeks. No rush people since I just paid bills for 2 houses and I am hemorrhaging money. Take your time...no prob. The weather is beautiful, the day was good. I helped out a dear friend and felt good about it and was glad to do it. Not much was asked of me today other than to enjoy some things offered and to enjoy some everyday things. Tomorrow I will be heading out early for class at church before service and am very much enjoying this.

MOOD:
Getting bored. A little frustrated. I need to focus.

8 - My funny "single" story

5/15/09

Since its Friday, I thought I would share a funny story that happened to me on my trip home from vacation. I have to spill it. It is too classic not to. This would only happen to me...

Of course, Im not yet looking to date. In my mind, at this point, I will NEVER be looking to date again. At least some cancer at this point has a cure; men, not so much. But, I also dont wear a wedding band and was obviously traveling alone on my way back home. I got to the airport VERY early in the AM to catch my plane, before 4:30 AM to be exact. Its the only flight back, so not a time I would choose but the only time available.

Anyway, I arrived at the airport, checked my bag at the curb and continued to the tram to take me to the gate. As I waited for the tram, tired and pretty oblivious to what was going on around me, I did notice two businessman-looking gentleman waiting just ahead of me and off to my left. I noticed them because they were doing a fairly poor job of hiding the fact that they kept looking back at me and then huddling heads for quick exchanges. In fact, it was noticeable enough that I thought maybe it was someone I knew. I checked fairly closely during their next blatant turn-and-stare, but nope - not someone I knew. Both were tall, probably close in age to me (45) or slightly older, wearing jeans - one with a blazer, well dressed, both with laptop cases, both with GREAT shoes. Hummm. Now I am not an ugly frog, but I am also not what you would call a "looker" either. It was quite a few minutes before it dawned on me that they were "checking me out!" No kidding. That so makes me laugh (and also do a little joy-joy dance). We ended up then boarding the tram, and after I sat down, these two gentleman took the seats directly to my right, angled at 90 degrees to me, my knees literally brushing the knees of one of them. Now is when I got a better look. I certainly hope I was doing a better job of hiding my checking THEM out than they did with me.

So, good shoes - check. No wedding rings - check. (I do know this means nothing - I have a brain.) Well dressed, probably businessmen (which makes me think they were probably employed) - check. Traveling - check. Well groomed and smelling delicious - check. Older than me - check. One was bald - swoon and check.

Here is some fill-in on me: Most women my age like younger men as much as men my age like younger women. Uhm, not this chicky. I want a man my age or older, preferably considerably older. I love gray or bald. A uniform thrown into the mix certainly does not hurt. So, as we pull to security, I was thinking it was nice to have attention from a few men that fit my criteria, nothing more.

Fast forward to my gate: After a cup of coffee, it was time to board, a full plane as announced by the gate crew, a full gate to board to my dismay. As they called my section and I am standing well back in line to board, over my left shoulder comes a man's voice asking me if I was heading on vacation or back home. Without turning right away, I was hoping beyond hope that it was one or the other of the businessmen also boarding my flight. So, I turn to find - the man approaching me was Barney Fife's first cousin (Ill call him Murray Shitz b/c that is similar to his real name he later gave me), sporting a thin plaid shirt with mother of pearl snaps conveniently unsnapped Saturday-Night-Feverishly low, short pants, gold chains and big aviator glasses - not sunglasses but glasses. With a quick reply that I was returning home and a quick - yay! that's my row and have a nice flight, I avoided him and boarded the plane.

Once seated and adjusted, book in lap, I slid on my reading glasses only to find "Murray" as my seat partner. Well, joy of joys and lucky, lucky me!!! Well, of course, this is exactly my luck! Hes a talker to boot! Seeming harmless, when he told me he would be in the area working for a few months and that he was a skilled tradesman in a trade I actually have been looking to do some work at my house, I gave him my first name and mobile number (knowing I could screen a wacko) - in case he ran out of work and had some extra time and could give me an estimate...

Quite honestly I am obviously telling this story in hindsight and it had not dawned on me at this point that he was anything other than a harmless seatmate on a plane who could help out with some handyman labor.

I spent most of the flight asleep, and during the final descent while I was trying to enjoy the homecoming, he finally revealed his ulterior motive: He was hitting on me. He was asking me out, trying to establish a place that was common where we could meet near the airport - I had not told him what town I lived in. He actually pulled a stack of lined index cards out of his shirt pocket (yea, I know - ewww), wrote down his name (this is when I learned it) and number, and told me he would call me and maybe we could get together one of these weekends, for a drink or dinner or a date. (Uhm, no.)

Let me say that I do not invest a lot in a person's looks as STBX spent most of his adult life over 400 pounds and I have also dated men who were gorgeous who I was not attracted to at all, but "Murray" definitely was not my type. Maybe it was the index cards or the brush-like "stache" or the black socks with dirty white sneakers. Im really not sure. However, he walked with me to baggage and made more conversation, but when he blew his nose on his handkerchief and then slipped it back into the same pocket as the index card he wrote his name on which was now firmly planted in my purse and pulled his suitcase off the carousel held together with silver duct tape, I knew I had attracted a winner. Please, oh please, dont let this be my crystal ball to the future...

7 - "Desiderata"

5/14/09

For everyone who has taken a college literature class, I realize you have read this. I arrogantly wonder how someone speak so directly to me. Ive read it over and over until its soft with wear, edges fraying, words as stirring as the time before. I read this with the feeling I should be looking over my shoulder, tucking back my fingers to guard against the words rapping my knuckles like a Catholic nun's wooden ruler, "Pay. A-ttention."



***********************************************************************************

DESIDERATA

-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --
Not "Found in Old St. Paul's Church"! -- see below

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

6 - Just a brief chat...

5/13/09

Odd that this is May "13," the bad-luck day, coincidentally the day I post this part of the story, the day we reconnect.

Perched in front of my family room desktop, Merlot to my right, hands hovering above the keyboard, the IM pops up with an immediate query from DH2 (then ex-fiance): "You there? Can we talk?"

I waited. I knew he would not log off until I answered, and this was the moment that I realized he was still available, still interested in reuniting...pendulum swing. It was an immediate refueling of nerve and confidence and whatever it is that makes you feel like this is a moment you deserve after a long wait. I knew the ball was in my court. I was in the driver's seat of this odd relationship. I had waited the whole year thinking I did not want it and now the last 6 weeks making sure I did. Not impulsive (much) but definitely indecisive even if the indecision covered almost a year.

I had to make a choice here. Did I answer, spill my guts and tell him I had taken 6 weeks and decided to try again or not answer at all? My other option was to answer but not fill him in, just yet.

I gathered my thoughts for a moment, swilled some courage, took a breath followed by a sigh, and replied - SEND.

He was surprised. While I do not remember the exact words, I do know that he answered as if taken off guard, mostly that I answered at all after many months, pushing a year, but also that it was not an angry answer, a brush-off or dismissal. I coulda, and probably shoulda, but I did not go there.

He commented almost immediately that he thought we would never speak again, that I would never give him the time of day, allow him contact, an "in." I should have taken that advice, in hindsight.

Contact was made, small talk, light questions, pat answers, brevity. I look back now, and the anticipation, the challenge of waiting, the challenge to myself to make a strong, sound, decisive decision was probably more of a draw than the contact itself. You dont get that hanging-in-the-balance back once youve offered it up; its lost.

We chatted, and I offered little. I finished my wine and told him time was up. He asked if we would talk again, wondering when. I knew we would, of course. I had not even told him yet we would be married soon...

TODAY:
Well, my first day to work for 50% of my pay. How nice is that? Rewarding and so ego-building. (Yes, that was sarcasm.) I think if I was not trying to sell a house and enjoy my family and get a divorce right now, I would probably make more of an effort to move on. I will soon; I just know my plate is full right now and added stress has not worked out well for me in the past. My decisions come without much logic in this position (see above), so Ill stick with what I know for now. I did get to play with Baby N today. He can hit the ball like a little pro!!! Talked mostly by email, text and phone to family and friends, enjoying this drizzly, shady, cool day at home for a change. Dang, wish I had not worn my "cute" shirt today!

MOOD:
Okay. Surprised I have not been more upset with only a few bad days under my belt. Apprehensive that they are coming, lurking around the corner, waiting to ruin a good day, one I am beginning to realize I am due.

5 - Contact

5/11/09

Happy Birthday, You Know Who! Hope it was relaxing, if nothing else.

So, about the time the 6-week wait was winding down, I began to get a little nervous. I am sure along the same lines as a bachelor preparing to ask his intended to marry him, I felt an uneasiness: Maybe I had waited too long and he would not want me as I now had decided with absolute certainty that this is the life I wanted (I know, I KNOW!) and would be contacting him in some way, shape or form. What if he had found someone else, no longer wanted me, wanted me less, or (gasp) would turn me down? He was still calling, with me continuing to send him straight to voicemail, but now that my mind was made up that a partnership with him was what I was after, I let doubt creep in. And you all know how that works: As soon as someone DOESNT want you, you want them more. UGH! Doubt was my new four (I know its five) letter word! I am usually somewhat confident. At this point, I had been so sure and bold and resolved and SLOW!!! I usually wait 3 days for things...what was this 6 weeks thing? What if I was too late? Boy, was I questioning my logic now...

So, nervously, about the 6-week point, I started to look for an "in," some way to make that first contact, open the door but not too wide, making him think he still had to work and work hard for me. I thought of original, inventive, creative ways to touch base with him, from cutesy gifts to just picking up the phone to an email/text/snail mail letter.

I have to say at this point I am writing this like it is a little off the cuff, taken lightly, slight of hand. Not so. Honestly, I wanted to be married. I look back and know it now and I definitely knew it then. I loved being married,and I knew the legality, permanence of marriage was what I wanted. I knew when I made contact and IF he was still interested, my goal would be marriage, quickly. I am not sure when that thought had popped into my pea-brain, but it was nestled in there, right next to those childhood TV show jingles that pop into your head at odd times and my home telephone number from when I was 5. (Inane minutia is my specialty.) I knew I would make it clear fairly quickly, this need to tie the knot, if I ever did get my foot in that door and he was receptive.

On a weekend night, fueled with a nice glass of Merlot, I double-clicked that bright blue E on my desktop, and immediately my IM popped up with...him. I think he had my username on speed-dial. It was like he was waiting for me to log on....

TODAY:
Long day. My work pay cut starts tomorrow. I have to actually train and have a learning curve for a whole new and different aspect to my job just to get a pay cut. How does THAT seem right? Its not, but in this economy, I am glad for insurance AND a paycheck while so many others are not so lucky. My bills were stacked in a big old pile, waiting for me when I got home from vacation, so I paid them today. My new favorite expression is, "Im bleeding money." It would be funny if it werent true. A few other things have happened in the last few days that have been hurtful, heartache-y, cruel-ish. I wish everyone could just be kind, and happy. Ive spent a little bit extra time in prayer, contemplation, introspection in the last week. I am having a hard time being strong, not questioning, not wondering why all the hurt seems to find its way to me, just trying to keep the faith that things are happening as they should. Its hard.

MOOD:
Hopeful but fading, a little sad or maybe a little more than that.

4 - Tapestry of Home

5/9/09

I am finally home, landing yesterday midday. I have to say that one of my favorite parts of traveling by air is the return to the Midwest. I love flying in. About the time the captain announces the initial descent, the plane gradually breaks down through that final layer of white fluffy clouds, slight turbulence, which distracts you and then you are graced with your first glimpse of the lay of the land, the long country roads and rural highways forming the grid, laying the nearly flat land out like a huge quilt, the sewn crop rows, grass breaks, small creeks and long country lanes that lead to tall white farmhouses forming the patterns of the fabric, some the exacting pattern of courdoroy and others the curly ease of floral vines of an easter tablecloth. The colors of the earth change square by square, gradually graduating, field by field, the muted change that is subtle, believable, home. I love it. I love to see it. It makes me glad to be back, proud that the land can create a rolling blanket, welcoming, changing in color yet always the same.

Vacation is fun, but I am always glad to return to my house, my boring life, my family and friends. When I walk in my house, I realize it has its own smell.

I was glad to see that spring had sprung while I was away. My plantings and trees around my house had exploded, greens and all the flowers bright from fresh rainfall.

I love it here. I bring coffee out on my deck on the weekends and enjoy my park-like backyard. Its not large but hugs you like a grandma, enveloping you with familiarity, holding on, soft focus.

I cannot think of a place I like better. Add the birds and the squirrels and the neighbor kids and muffled cheer from a local little league game just a few short blocks away remind me what I miss when I am away and make me feel at home while I enjoy the familiarity that Ive come to appreciate.

To think that all these colors are included in the quilt fabric pattern seen from so many hundred feet or more above the ground makes me feel included, lucky, happy to be part of something, anything, and especially this.

3 - The Six Week Wait...

5/7/09

Still on vacation, but it is winding down. My checkbook is lighter, but my beeee-hind is way heavier!!

When I finally decided that I would give myself 6 weeks to entertain the idea of accepting one phone call from DH2 (ex-fiance at that time), I felt like the pressure had eased off of deciding what to do with myself, my life, my future but also totally, all-encompassingly more pressure and even greater than before, thinking that possibly, just possibly I would accept this man back in my life and continue on with our previous plans, knowing there would be no trust, maybe ever, no peace in my heart, always wondering what he was up to, with who, and why. But still, already with these trepidations, I stuck with it. I thought for sure I would spend the next six weeks contemplating, mulling over this idea. Its disconcerting to have relief with a deep-down naggingly knowing that your decision is probably not a good one on the most basic level while really very obviously self destructive on the hard-to-admit-it-to-yourself level. I plugged away at life.

Never through all of my divorce or this dating/traveling/breaking up mess did I miss a day of work - at either job. I think it was about this time that I gave a 2-week notice at the second job, finally allowing myself the luxury of no longer driving the 30 miles for minimum wage. I was building my confidence at supporting myself, saving, building stellar credit, still being able to enjoy life and treat family and friends to little goodies and dinners out and a vacation here and there all while investing in my own home.

As I look back I wonder what it is in me that does not allow me to be content, happy. Its hard to know, but as I see this in print, I realize my life was good, improving, bordering on enviable to the average middle-class American, starting to interestingly spread and intertwine like the tiny outstretched veins of a cracked windshield. My relationships were building, my finances were good, my house was being updated with love and care by my own hands, yet I still was allowing myself to drift back to a comfort zone, someone I had known for 25 years, had been with, been without, and who had disrespected me to a degree and lied to my face. Hhhhmmmm, Dr. Phil? Oprah?

Those six weeks continued, and I delightfully filled them with all things me. It was like I was preparing for a move, fitting everything in. I think I had already made my decision to speak to him, but with my set-in-stone 6 week time frame, I waited it out. I told no one what my plan was - that I recall. Of course I didn't. And chance that someone would talk me out of my intelligent thinking? LOL Wait, what was it I was thinking? Im not even sure. I just know I was winding my way back to that big comfy La-Z-Boy (literally) of a partner I had just a few months before washed my hands of with a roll of the eyes and a c-ya.

How quickly 6 weeks passes when you have a life to wrap up, sort and file so that you can get on with what you are SURE is what is meant for you....

TODAY:
Well, I am waiting on work, so it is a little stressful. The broker open yesterday at the house happened with 2 agents with possible buyers. Not sure how true or promising that is, but I will be home in a few days to see for myself. Oh, wait! Ill be home tomorrow! So tomorrow I will travel and get back to "life." I am anxious to see my family. Not much else...just a day of some work, some sun, some shopping, some eating, a crisp Sam Adams and lots of chatting it up.

MOOD:
Ready. To. Go. Home.

2 - Its 5:00 somewhere...

5/5/09

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

I am not Hispanic, but Ill celebrate! Its not right to pass up an excuse to enjoy your day, right?

Well, my DH2, AKA stalker, stalked me incessantly while I continued to not-take his calls. He would call at different times and sometimes leave a voicemail and sometimes not, although he called every stinkin day. I was forever waiting for him to miss a day, illness, emergency, low battery? No, never happened. This began very early in the year and went the whole year, continuously month after long annoying month. I hate the phone and usually only txt with all my family and friends, so his often was the only ring of the day. I learned to change my ringtone occasionally to avoid aggravation overload.

During this time, I did date some. I really did not want to. I dated an old high school flame - a really nice-looking guy with a good profession. I seemed to find fault in him from day 1. I would see him and all I could think was...you wear the waist of your jeans to HIGH! I know. I KNOW! Dumb, but they were and it bugged me. He was so nice. He helped me with my golf swing. We went for dinner and cocktails and shared glasses of wine and long talks embedded with a hint of talk of the future. My children very much thought this was a GREAT relationship, a great guy, perfect for me! Too bad I did not get the memo from the livehappilyeverafter department on that one. I dated a few others, talked online, did my boring daily activities and continued on with my life. And the DH2 calls continued.

Im not sure why I get bored so easily, but I do. Maybe a little adult ADHD? Maybe stupidity? Quite possibly stupidity actually! I went almost that whole year hearing the phone ring, looking at the caller ID, ignoring it. I really did, I swear! I was a good girl! But, ultimately, I finished most of my projects, the weather was cooling down, and inane boredom seeped into my pores. I need a suit of armor, honestly.

I cant tell you exactly when it happened, but sometime late in that year, probably around October/November, I began glancing at my phone screen if it was late in the day and my stalker had not called. Or I would hear my cell phone tweet and automatically expect it to be him. It dawned on me one day that I was doing that. I thought I might step back and analyze (shock, shock) this sudden unexpected expectation, getting into a weird routine of being stalked via mobile electronics! So, I thought maybe, just maybe there were some feelings left for this guy. Yes, I told you I am competitive and have this thing about trying to make things work, to hang on to the bitter end. This obviously was no exception. With my 3-day rule firmly implanted in the wiring in my lame-brain, I thought I would go above and beyond that one for myself. I thought: If in 6 weeks you still feel the same, that maybe there is a glimmer of hope for this relationship, that just maybe you would be willing to give it another whirl, then I would allow myself to answer a call, just 1, to see what he had to say. I figuratively marked that calendar in my psyche at exactly 6 weeks, and then firmly and with resolve shut the file drawer. The 6-week wait was on, and I continued on in my dull and daily routine as if I had not 1 shred of a thought of him on my mind....

TODAY:
I have a friend who gave me some good advice today: You are on vacation - relax! Well, well. Never thought of that! Ive been trying to fill my days with fun stuff, and now just a few days before vacation is over, I havent really relaxed at all, although I have devoured about a dozen donuts! So, today I relaxed, I worked, read, browsed the net, wrote, watched a whole bunch a HULU and turned down every offer to go out for the day. How fun! Ill have to do this more often. I am quite homesick, missing my kids and my family and my Baby N, that precious child. I cant wait to see them all. Tomorrow is another broker open house, hoping beyond hope that a new agent will have an eager buyer. Ha! Good luck there!

MOOD:
RELAXED!!

1 - Happy May Day!

5/01/09

Wow. Incredible how time just gets away from you. I woke up to work this AM, and when I pulled up my first file, the fifth month of the year was staring me in the face. Happy, because with May comes the (April showers bring May) flowers and increasingly beautiful weather and the ability to spend most of my time outside, but scary, as in time just keeps chugging down the ever-winding train track of what-the-hecks-around-the-next-bend.

May Day brings with it 2 things that I recall as a wide-eyed kid, the first being the May Basket. You know, as a kid you would fill it up with treats and leave them on your friends or neighbors doorstep and do the "only time its not grounds for grounding" ding-dong ditch? When my kids were little we always did popcorn and MandMs, lollies I think, possibly the old fashioned Bazooka Pepto-Bismol pink gum with the folded waxy-paper comic protecting it from the outside world even though it was probably used by NASA as an indestructible material for fixing space station emergencies itself. Those treats we always tucked inside a red Solo plastic cup. I have no idea why, but that is how we did it. So this year I am very much hoping my May Day basket is filled with some calm and some really fun distractions and a sold house! Oh, and Ill take some gum too.

The other thing that pops into my mind is that dang Maypole with all the ribbons attached, all the people hanging onto an end and dancing around and circling it until the top starts weaving the ribbons prettily with a crisscross pattern and the people get closer together until the whole pole is covered with a pretty-patterned design of silky strands and all the people are huddled at the bottom, laughing, probably stinkin happy to be done skipping around that dang pole, yet happy nonetheless. How I WISH my life was that pole, all wrapped up like a happy package with the people in close proximity giddy with pleasure and accomplishment. Fat chance, Elle!!!

After our breakup and exchanging back of all our material goods, it very much felt like a fresh start for me. I was pretty happy, oddly. My rebound and only significant other since the ending of my 20+ year marriage was out of the way and this chicky was ready to enjoy the single life. I was still working out and very much in shape and had made many friends at the gym. My job was going well and I was making good money, and as my daughter liked to put it, I was "almost cocky about that." She was correct! Once word got out in my small community that my significant outer was out of the picture, a few straggling calls began to come in, although I certainly was not bombarded - People who wanted to set me up on a date with their brother-in-law, boss, friend of the family, karate instructor, local homeless man (but sooooo nice!) or the rare someone who was brave enough to call an old gal for a Saturday night dinner. At first I said no, no thanks, Im good, but thanks for asking. I think at that time I was enjoying the less scheduled demands on my time, the ability to watch Jeopardy! and yell out the answers like an idiot in my own home (oh, yes my answers are mostly embarrassingly wrong too). I love my house, paid for, comfortable size, home-y, cute as a button. So, I really put my mind to updating it. I ripped up carpet, ignored phone calls for dates, screwed down plywood underlayment, changed light fixtures, laid tile and flooring, mowed the lawn and worked in the yard, painted, primped and bejeweled my home until I was exhausted. I once had a phone call asking if I wanted to steal away for a quick drink with a particularly handsome gentleman, to which I replied, "I cant! Im pulling staples out of my floor!" I was enjoying it immensely. I was spending time with my family and friends and not-taking a phone call every day...

Okay, yes, it was DH2. Here is another instance (beeeep, beeeep, beeeep - slowly elevate antenna) I should have been in touch enough with my life to catch or at least use this information with more clarity. My DH2 called me every day starting just a few days after we broke up. He called daily. Every. Single. Day. For months. At first I was mildly annoyed, thinking he needed something or was having a sad day. I never answered, but I honestly felt bad for him. My heart was a little tender anyway, and I did feel torn about not taking his calls. I would check my email to make sure he was not calling b/c he needed something important, a sick family member, surgery, nuclear invasion...I dunno what I thought it might be. Then, the pattern just continued that way, every day. I would get a phone call on my cell phone, and he mostly left a short message. I NEVER listen to my voicemail, ever, so he knew he could say whatever he wanted and I would never hear it but still know he would still be there, in my phone, niggling in my mind, entrenched in a small pocket of my soul. As time passed, I began to label him "the stalker." He wasnt a stalker in a mean or scary sense, just - get the picture buddy! Im NEVER going to answer your call! But the calls continued day in and day out. I would be laying tile and he would call. I would be on a date and he would call. I would have friends stay the weekend and he would call. I would be at the movies, eating dinner, mowing the lawn, and he would call. So, since it was so common and happened every day, most of my family and close friends also labeled him "the stalker." Quite funny in a sad way. Kind of like The Hulk or The Mole or The Blob, they all knew him by name but called him only The Stalker....

TODAY:
Well, its morning and I am on vacay, but I have been working (insert pouty face here). Never a break for the poor and panicked! Weve been eating out, eating in, trying new beers, gambling (a little), enjoying family, looking at houses, catching up. The for-sale house had another broken open, and our agent says the house shows perfectly, just a crappy market. Weve had 9 groups through, but still no offer. Not sure what the next step is. Baby N is doing well from what I gather and is being sheltered due to this scary swine flu. Someone told me I should not fly home; people are so scared. Ive also become thoroughly obsessed of late with the Gosselin Family (Jon and Kate Plus 8 on TLC) but only the bad rumor part of them. I have seen their show, but am so rooting for the kids in this stupid stupidness of cheating and money-hungriness, that I seem to check in on them every day online! I know, right.... Ugh!

MOOD: Calm and a little bored. Happy for no drama, wish I could actually have a vacay and not work. Oh well, I am luckier than most in this economy and I do say a thankful prayer every day.