5/16/09
We had made that initial contact by instant messenger,and now it was up to me to gather my nerve and be honest about what was expected, spill the beans, clearly. We had only spoken once, briefly, on-line, but the next time we spoke I knew I needed to tell him exactly what I wanted, what I thought I needed, what WOULD happen or that nothing would happen at all. It seems like an ultimatum on the downswing, sort of like telling someone they HAVE to do something that they have already agreed to do OR ELSE. How weird is that? Misguided and probably delusional, control-freakish to say the least.
I knew I would be telling him I wanted to be married, that that would be the plan or there would be no plan at all. I also knew at that point it was most likely a proposition he would agree to and would also want, however I worded it. He had called me daily unanswered for many months, so the assumption was that he would be happy to hear this, ready to sign on the dotted line. Now I think back and want to shake ME, firmly - get a grip! There is no control in demanding something that will gladly be agreed to. But, I felt so in control, so bold, so above faltering. Uhm....it really does not take much courage to order someone around who not only feels indebted to you, is apologetic for mistakes made and very much desirous to have you in their life. How much bossing or demanding would that require? Boy, I was strong, huh?
I was fooling myself. I think now it was a personal self-pat on the back. Good girl, you hung in there and got what you wanted. But, the obvious question is - why did you want it? God only knows, insecurity, a wayward sense of entitlement, a mistaken thought of what was good for me I guess.
So, the next exchange was also by a combination of IM and email if I remember correctly. I logged on, and he was once again waiting for my log-in. I told him I was interested in getting back together but what I wanted was a man who could leave his single life behind, act "taken" and not single, get on the same path in life as me with common goals, financially and familially, and then act married since he soon would be married. Sheesh! Say it like ya mean it, will ya? Dont hold back! Well, if nothing else, I definitely laid it on the line, no wavering, no question, no gray area in this exchange. I was bossy, bold, never straying from the script of the only life I would allow myself to have. I told him if he agreed and this is what he wanted in life as well, that we would be engaged, the dinner plate would go back on my hand, we would plan a private wedding, and we would plan it for soon.
I remember then I felt so in control, the ever-confident pilot, and what I now realize is I was scared, scared to be alone, scared to ever have someone who would say no in a situation like this, scared to have a partner who would question what I saw as right, normal, expected. More than being afraid to be wrong or even alone, I think I was petrified to start over, at the beginning, with someone new, a new script, a life that might not be the one that I had envisioned, my planned path...now obviously the wrong fork in the road.
TODAY:
Well, they showed the house today, which is a start. No word, so that's obviously not good news. Oh, wait: Just got word - Not what this buyer was looking for, so another public open house in 2 weeks. No rush people since I just paid bills for 2 houses and I am hemorrhaging money. Take your time...no prob. The weather is beautiful, the day was good. I helped out a dear friend and felt good about it and was glad to do it. Not much was asked of me today other than to enjoy some things offered and to enjoy some everyday things. Tomorrow I will be heading out early for class at church before service and am very much enjoying this.
MOOD:
Getting bored. A little frustrated. I need to focus.
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