5 - Contact

5/11/09

Happy Birthday, You Know Who! Hope it was relaxing, if nothing else.

So, about the time the 6-week wait was winding down, I began to get a little nervous. I am sure along the same lines as a bachelor preparing to ask his intended to marry him, I felt an uneasiness: Maybe I had waited too long and he would not want me as I now had decided with absolute certainty that this is the life I wanted (I know, I KNOW!) and would be contacting him in some way, shape or form. What if he had found someone else, no longer wanted me, wanted me less, or (gasp) would turn me down? He was still calling, with me continuing to send him straight to voicemail, but now that my mind was made up that a partnership with him was what I was after, I let doubt creep in. And you all know how that works: As soon as someone DOESNT want you, you want them more. UGH! Doubt was my new four (I know its five) letter word! I am usually somewhat confident. At this point, I had been so sure and bold and resolved and SLOW!!! I usually wait 3 days for things...what was this 6 weeks thing? What if I was too late? Boy, was I questioning my logic now...

So, nervously, about the 6-week point, I started to look for an "in," some way to make that first contact, open the door but not too wide, making him think he still had to work and work hard for me. I thought of original, inventive, creative ways to touch base with him, from cutesy gifts to just picking up the phone to an email/text/snail mail letter.

I have to say at this point I am writing this like it is a little off the cuff, taken lightly, slight of hand. Not so. Honestly, I wanted to be married. I look back and know it now and I definitely knew it then. I loved being married,and I knew the legality, permanence of marriage was what I wanted. I knew when I made contact and IF he was still interested, my goal would be marriage, quickly. I am not sure when that thought had popped into my pea-brain, but it was nestled in there, right next to those childhood TV show jingles that pop into your head at odd times and my home telephone number from when I was 5. (Inane minutia is my specialty.) I knew I would make it clear fairly quickly, this need to tie the knot, if I ever did get my foot in that door and he was receptive.

On a weekend night, fueled with a nice glass of Merlot, I double-clicked that bright blue E on my desktop, and immediately my IM popped up with...him. I think he had my username on speed-dial. It was like he was waiting for me to log on....

TODAY:
Long day. My work pay cut starts tomorrow. I have to actually train and have a learning curve for a whole new and different aspect to my job just to get a pay cut. How does THAT seem right? Its not, but in this economy, I am glad for insurance AND a paycheck while so many others are not so lucky. My bills were stacked in a big old pile, waiting for me when I got home from vacation, so I paid them today. My new favorite expression is, "Im bleeding money." It would be funny if it werent true. A few other things have happened in the last few days that have been hurtful, heartache-y, cruel-ish. I wish everyone could just be kind, and happy. Ive spent a little bit extra time in prayer, contemplation, introspection in the last week. I am having a hard time being strong, not questioning, not wondering why all the hurt seems to find its way to me, just trying to keep the faith that things are happening as they should. Its hard.

MOOD:
Hopeful but fading, a little sad or maybe a little more than that.