5/7/09
Still on vacation, but it is winding down. My checkbook is lighter, but my beeee-hind is way heavier!!
When I finally decided that I would give myself 6 weeks to entertain the idea of accepting one phone call from DH2 (ex-fiance at that time), I felt like the pressure had eased off of deciding what to do with myself, my life, my future but also totally, all-encompassingly more pressure and even greater than before, thinking that possibly, just possibly I would accept this man back in my life and continue on with our previous plans, knowing there would be no trust, maybe ever, no peace in my heart, always wondering what he was up to, with who, and why. But still, already with these trepidations, I stuck with it. I thought for sure I would spend the next six weeks contemplating, mulling over this idea. Its disconcerting to have relief with a deep-down naggingly knowing that your decision is probably not a good one on the most basic level while really very obviously self destructive on the hard-to-admit-it-to-yourself level. I plugged away at life.
Never through all of my divorce or this dating/traveling/breaking up mess did I miss a day of work - at either job. I think it was about this time that I gave a 2-week notice at the second job, finally allowing myself the luxury of no longer driving the 30 miles for minimum wage. I was building my confidence at supporting myself, saving, building stellar credit, still being able to enjoy life and treat family and friends to little goodies and dinners out and a vacation here and there all while investing in my own home.
As I look back I wonder what it is in me that does not allow me to be content, happy. Its hard to know, but as I see this in print, I realize my life was good, improving, bordering on enviable to the average middle-class American, starting to interestingly spread and intertwine like the tiny outstretched veins of a cracked windshield. My relationships were building, my finances were good, my house was being updated with love and care by my own hands, yet I still was allowing myself to drift back to a comfort zone, someone I had known for 25 years, had been with, been without, and who had disrespected me to a degree and lied to my face. Hhhhmmmm, Dr. Phil? Oprah?
Those six weeks continued, and I delightfully filled them with all things me. It was like I was preparing for a move, fitting everything in. I think I had already made my decision to speak to him, but with my set-in-stone 6 week time frame, I waited it out. I told no one what my plan was - that I recall. Of course I didn't. And chance that someone would talk me out of my intelligent thinking? LOL Wait, what was it I was thinking? Im not even sure. I just know I was winding my way back to that big comfy La-Z-Boy (literally) of a partner I had just a few months before washed my hands of with a roll of the eyes and a c-ya.
How quickly 6 weeks passes when you have a life to wrap up, sort and file so that you can get on with what you are SURE is what is meant for you....
TODAY:
Well, I am waiting on work, so it is a little stressful. The broker open yesterday at the house happened with 2 agents with possible buyers. Not sure how true or promising that is, but I will be home in a few days to see for myself. Oh, wait! Ill be home tomorrow! So tomorrow I will travel and get back to "life." I am anxious to see my family. Not much else...just a day of some work, some sun, some shopping, some eating, a crisp Sam Adams and lots of chatting it up.
MOOD:
Ready. To. Go. Home.
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