13 - Breaking up is hard to do.

4/29/09

What I feel like doing is taking a minute, just a short post and talk about me and this breakup. This parting of ours would be the first major parting (well, second if you consider we dated in high school for about a year and then did not see each other for 25 years) and would be the most conventional. It was a breakup. It ended. We were not married. No legalities to consider, just the trading back of schtuff we had accumulated of each other's houses or had taken and inadvertently left at the other's house in the other's state. Here is where a little stickiness comes in. You want it to be a good breakup. You want it to be the opposite of the typical name-calling split, no bad moods, bad words, bad feelings. While he sent a large box of my stuff back accompanied by a picture of "our" tree, one we had picked out and planted together, symbolizing, I guess, what I would be missing, losing, I sent him back a box of his stuff accompanied by a large personal check. See, DH2 throughout his adult life had been, lets say, "not very good" with money - not with money or credit cards or taxes or savings or paying bills AT ALL. He probably was not the worst ever, although close for his age, and I am sure his situation is fairly common in our country, especially for a guy who loves to travel and party and HAVE. So, during our time together, I tried to help him clean up his financial portfolio, paying off things, bringing bills up to date, saving money. So occasionally he would send me a check for a few thousand dollars at a time (trust personified I think was his message in doing this), and I would deposit those checks in a savings account in my hometown. By the time of the split, he had accumulated quite a large nest egg. So, with much relief on his part I am sure, when his box arrived to him, it was not topped off with a picture of anything we had purchased together. My symbolic cherry on top was a large check made out to him, the total amount he had given me over that time and not a penny less. Fair is fair, and I am honest. It was his, and I gave it back. His symbol was having or buying (our tree) while mine was saving, preparing, planning - safety.

I wish at this point I could inject all the negative things that most people do in a breakup: Jerk, hate, selfish, mean, dirtbag, slimebucket, blahblahblah. But we were not teenagers, both professionals, both adults for whatever that is worth. This really was my breakup, caused by him but 3-day'd by me, and I think I was ready. I did well. I was sad and upset but not devastated. I missed him, but quite honestly we lived in different states. We had never spent much everyday together time, so that physical being apart was not the hard part it is for most. I went my merry way, picking up where I left off with my family and friends. My children felt it imperative for me to date, to find a man, a significant other. HAHAHahahahaha. Oh, I had not much use for that idea at that point. My heart had a small crack, and I did not need another infection penetrating my teenytiny wound.

I feel for people who are on the receiving end of a breakup. While the breakerupper is usually sad, I know that pit of your stomach sadness, that - my heart physically is in pain kind of hurt, that - Ill never get over it, be happy, date again, LOVE again that comes for the breakee. I think that is the reason a lot of bad relationships continue. NO ONE wants that beginning feeling of a breakup and I think most would do almost anything to avoid it. You are heartbroken, so you cant work, but you have to work, and then you are glad you went to work after all because it killed a few painful hours of the day and kept your miserable mind occupied and not thinking about him/her and that a week from tomorrow is your anniversary or what to do about the tickets you bought to Aruba in September or I cant watch the Cubs play today because we always watched them together. The. Big. Ugly. Cry. Not fun, and I think the avoidance of just this time is one reason some dont end their relationships, why cheaters get away with cheating, why liars get away with lying, why spenders/gamblers/shoppers get away with all that. An ultimatum is one thing, but to actually pull the trigger (figurative here people!) is another.

For me at this point, the gun had been fired, the plug pulled, and I was on my own.

A good friend of mine recently when hearing that I would be going through this stupid second divorce, sent me a youtube link. Not knowing what it was going to be, I did click on it, and with special thanks to YourTango Films and this little diddy, I did get a few minutes of inane happiness watching it. Could be it is just my kind of humor or hit me at the right time or something, but I hearted this and Im gonna post the link here, especially for all you Grody Jodys....


Copy and paste: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iROYzrm5SBM

12 - Im-a leeea-vin' on a jet plane...

4/24/09

Well, the end of that story is not actually the end. Not of that night anyway. As I blog along, I will not continue to go into such great detail about each and every incident, not that there were that many. I just think this night is pivotal. It is obviously pivotal but also not so obviously pivotal in the fact that some people may have chosen to look the other way, turn the other cheek. So, to continue...

After my drunk fiance offered his suckling services to this female, a guest at our home, while I stood just a few feet away, there was a long pause. I am not a fit-thrower or a scene-maker. As a matter of fact, my DH2 commented once about me, saying, "No drama there." There really wasnt much - drama, I mean. Not from me. No usually anyway. This night was no exception. While the rest of the houseguests, not knowing me well, stood still, waiting for my reaction, hoping, praying I would supply the evening's entertainment, I did not oblige. I remember turning to the refrigerator, a slight stutter in my action but not much else to indicate a REaction, and continued on with what I was doing. Quieter now but still a small crowd, the room resumed. This is what someone might call a moment in time. I think I disappointed them all. I think they were ready, anxious, hoping I would blow up, throw a fit, raise my voice. Like I said, I just continued on with what I was doing and then left the room. The mom and newborn then went to the living room to nurse, and I followed them in to keep her company. A few minutes later the female guest stormed into the room we occupied, laughing, giggling, giddy. Her "Im so blonde and stupid" (she was Hispanic) a-little-too-loud-and-I-hope-everyone-is-paying-attention-to-me outburst was: Get away from me, oh my gosh, stop IT, I cant believe you!! - All directed toward my fiance, all aimed to please her audience, their little show of flirtation, of clandestine sexual innuendo. Hhhhhhhmmmmm, Im blonde, but not really. Obviously my DH2 was speaking inappropriately to her or acting inappropriately toward her, always on, always the life of the party, this time at my expense, with her total flaunting of it for all to see, his total disregard for me.

Ill take a minute now to tell you a small thing about me. I have a 3-day rule. Its a rule about everything. If I find something that costs more than $200 and I want to buy it, I wait a full 3 days before I return to make that purchase. I always comply. I always take those 3 days to ponder, overanalyze. I rarely follow up and actually purchase that thing that just a few days earlier I thought I could not live with out. This also goes for big decisions: Jobs, finances, houses, cars, friends, FIANCES.

So, I emotionally closed up for my 3 days after that "party" situation, probably already knowing it was the end, that single moment in time, pivotal. But, to be true to the way I operate, the way I live my life, I literally thought to myself that I would take those 3 days and not make a rash decision. And I held to that.

The party broke up fairly quickly, DH2 passing out or vomiting or slurring his words so badly he was no longer an enjoyable conversationalist, even for his also-drunken guests. Everyone left, he went to bed, and I stewed, quietly, alone, but stewed nonetheless. I dont share much with anyone, so there was no crying to friends, bouncing my decision off my family, no scribing in my diary. This was a big decision, and it was all mine.

I was scheduled to leave the next day, and I did just that, flying home. I did not mention what had happened and neither did he. I was distant and quiet, sullen, ready to leave, knowing I probably would not be back, angry more than sad at this point. He drove me to the airport seeming to not understand my mood. Thats okay. I didnt understand his actions either.

So I went home on a Sunday, and on Tuesday, 3 days later, on the phone, just a few short months after we had become engaged, just barely into the planning stage of our wedding, the only item purchased - my wedding gown, which I loved, I ended it. I told him what had happened that night, and he seemed genuinely surprised, like it was a story he did not know, a part of his life that was a blank, a play he had not attended. If he knew or remembered, he is an excellent actor. He almost seemed unbelieving that he could have done this to me. Tell me about it buddy....

I had to end it, I felt. How could I trust a man who would do such a blatantly disrespectful and unfaithful and mean thing to me while I was standing just 4 feet away? What was he doing when I was 1500 miles away? Willing to believe it or not, I already knew the answer. Rhetorical questions sometimes hurt the most. At least this one did.

Of course it had to be over. In my mind, this almost-marriage was over before it started. I brokenheartedly clap-clapped my hands free of the dry dusty chalk that was us, spun heel and continued on a different path in my life, an unexpected fork in the road. Oh, how I wish I had had my Garmin then!

TODAY:
Well, today I am typing in the airport. I am traveling to Vegas, and happily and with just a little bit of relief, my writing has kept me from noticing the couples in the airport or quite possibly I had imagined there were more than there had been. Either way, glad to be at the airport, on my way...

MOOD: Excited for some time away.

11 - Let The Planning Begin...

4/23/09

Proposal acceptance = Wedding Planning - YAY! Or so I thought.

I am not your average girl. I would say I am a girly-girl; I love all things princess-y, to a point. I do so enjoy my shopping and can purse and shoes with the best of them, but I am also the most frugal person you may ever meet, the most resourceful, the most lets-wait-til-we-have-a-coupon human being to walk the face of the earth. I loves me some bargains, which in turn makes me practical. So, a wedding (I am to this day obsessed with weddings) was a challenge presented to me on a silver platter with a cherry on top. Oh, joy-joy, dance-dance, joy-joy.

So, getting engaged during the holiday season was quite enjoyable. I shopped for Christmas gifts for my family and friends with my left hand wheelbarrow-aided. That dinner plate doesn't just haul itself around, you know. I was very much enjoying the choice I had made, the seed of planning a wedding planted firmly, any details yet to be discussed. (Have I mentioned a marriage yet?)

Little by little as this happy time bloomed, we began to throw out ideas of who, what, when and where - the why question long ago forgotten (although I did very much care for this man, still do.) We chose a few dates that we thought would accommodate not only us but also our family and friends. We were not young teenagers, self absorbed, thinking for sure everyone would drop their current life plans to attend our happy day. NOooooooo. We knew in this day and age of busy/busy/busy that that would probably never happen, but we did assume our families and closest friends would bend just a tad to at least attend our ceremony. We were excited, especially DH2, who at 40+ had never been engaged let alone married. I had been married, but had eloped at the last minute, a half-planned wedding long forgotten - I think I wore white, I know he wore jeans.

So, with dates X, Y AND Z chosen and offered up on the menu, astonishingly the comments began. My family and most of my friends were open. "Whatever you guys decide we will work around." (I am sure a "we regret" would have been returned by some, but most seemed to genuinely feel whatever we decided would be fine.) People in my life know that I am pretty hard to shake. If a cancellation came at a later date or if some could not attend, they knew I would understand. Miss Etiquette I am not. I understand people are busy, have their own lives, love us even if they cannot physically be there.

DH2's family and friends were a different breed I was soon to learn, so family-oriented, so kumbaya and lets hug when we see each other at the Walmart. HHHmmmm. Really? Those are the only 3 (or 8 or 24 or 72) dates you can come up with? We cant do it ANY of those days as we are having 1) elective surgery, 2) our own vacation, or (my personal favorite) 3) OPTIONAL high school football FILMS (not a game or practice - but films of a game already played) that day.

Oh Brother! Just say no, dont insult us by saying you cannot attend because you are trimming your toenails or picking your nose or may get the croup.

So, the stage was set early for self-centeredness, but we forged on....trying to plan. I shopped for a wedding gown/dress on my own as I did not want to bother anyone (for heaven's sake IIII had done that before), and we both continued to live in different states. How well we knew each other still at this point is questionable at the very least. I cared about him, was happy and continued to travel to see him. We continued to plan pensively a wedding day that was becoming more stressful as the days went on.

And here is where things get sticky: I did mention earlier that DH2 was doing some partying during our time apart. We often enjoyed drinks when we were together, but what he did in his state while we were apart was what I thought may be bordering on inappropriate or excessive at the very least. There was some lying going on, some shadiness, some not being quite upfront about where he was, what he was doing and with whom. I knew but did not WANT to know it. This is a man who could NOT drink if he wanted to for very, VERY long periods of time, but if he did drink, he could not STOP. He would drink to oblivion. One time to the point that people he was with thought he was dead. So, on an occasion in the first few months of being engaged when I had traveled to his state to spend a week working and doing some planning, I came home from a day of running errands to a few friends at his house. Okay, no problem. As the day wore on and they drank more, a few more people showed up, a couple with a baby and then another single female who was friends with them all and who had travelled with DH2 to NY that first Xmas after we first connected. As she held that couples baby and my DH2 (fiance at this point) drunkenly sat in front of her looking at the baby and I stood literally 4 feet away, this female commented on how the newborn was rooting, wanting her breast for breast-feeding like she was the mother, to which my totally drunk DH2 unashamedly replied, "I know exactly how she feels."

SIGH.

TODAY:
Well, today was spent working. I went to the big house to make sure it was ready for the public open house this weekend. It was mostly fine, but I was distracted. I got word from my company yesterday that they were cutting my pay: By 50%. Uhm, hello? Repeat please? Yes, 50%. Perfect timing since I am paying now for 2 houses and all that involves. How, you ask, can a company get away with that? Look at the economy. The answer is they do it because they can. I could quit and get no unemployment and lose my insurance and TRY to enter this job market, or I can work at a job I already know for half as much and keep my insurance, now that I will be single. What do you think? Do I really have a choice? I think not. I also talked to the kids, got my hair cut (too short - holy COW), tried to pack (it did not all fit), made some last minute vacay plans, tied up loose ends, and literally ran around like a chicken with my head cut off. Breathe.....

MOOD:
Amazingly: Good. It will be fine. If I die of a heart attack, it was due to stress. Dear Lord, please let me let go.....

10 - She's Baaaaa-ack...

4/22/09

Well, the bad day retreated quickly, thank goodness! It was just one day, a long day nonetheless, but still just one. Its difficult when you are in the middle of it. It seems to add on, to never end. I always just try to get the heck through it, which I obviously did. Yesterday was just so much better, unexpectedly full and peaceful and happy. Odd what a difference 24 hours can make. For the next bad day, I will have this day to remind myself to just hang in there.

My perfect grandson (13 months old) is a dancing FOOL! A-dorable. He dances to all music: TV commercials, my cell phone text message jingle, any tune from any where. He "plays" my piano and bounces around and wiggles his head as he is banging away. I would love to see every day in the amazingly perfect way that he hears that concerto he plays! He is in heaven with his own music! I so wish I had that in me, to be able to just dig down to some happy place. I wonder when you lose that? - The natural reaction of joy to things, the ability to be happy at the hammering of piano keys or any small thing. I just know that his happiness seems so simple while my bad day seemed so overwhelming.

They quote the divorce rate now as about 58%. So, at any given time, almost 3/5 of adult Americans have experienced or are going thru a divorce. That means that 60% of this country's kids are dealing with that as well. How sad is that? So, across this great land, at the same time as I was having a bad day on Monday, millions of others were probably having the same rotten day. Thats a lot of grumpy people. I personally dont know a single one, so I am using this blog to commiserate, with myself, I guess!

Im not sure what sets it off. This morning I again woke up to no work, but it just did not strike me quite like it did the other day. I wish I knew the trigger. Maybe that is the key, not knowing the trigger, having to experience the bad to mirror the good, learning the lesson the grouchy days teach. I am hoping my bad days are that lesson, a definite thing to remember on those days Im longing to be in a relationship or have a significant other or just being envious of others who are coupled up, dueted, paired.

I can say that at a time DH2 and I were on a break for an extended period (we had a few of those) I can remember being in the airport going on a trip and just sitting in awe at all the couples in the airport. Does no one travel alone but me? Good gosh, it seemed like every tall leggy girl with just that perfect travel outfit and that teeny-tiny pulled carry-on (How DO people get away with packing so lightly? -Just my different colored flip flops would never fit in 1 of those babys!) was holding the hand of some equally tall, polo-shirted, beautifully tanned male. Do they multiply just at the airport, just for my benefit? They were everywhere! A swarm of twinned-up Stepford couples. Just like a woman longing to have a baby is haunted by seeing pregnant women everywhere, I only saw couples. Well, come Friday of this week, I will be heading off to Vegas and I am not looking forward to the coming airport experience.

But, I am anxious to go, ready to do something fun, eager to see my family, a place I once called home, a familiar place though also a place with so many things to do I am hoping I will have 2 weeks of mind-numbingly busy bliss! I am hauling out my steel rods (for my back) and my rose-colored glasses and heading to the airport in a few days, and hopefully a single person or two will actually head there as well, if for no other reason than to start MY trip off on a better note - self-absorbed much????

TODAY:
Well, its 6:30 am, so not much has happened. Yesterday was the broker open for the for-sale big house, and only 2 brokers showed up. They were serving lunch and everything. The two that showed thought the house was staged. Whatev!! So I keep a clean and tidy house, sue me. Now IIIII have to drive there tomorrow to check to make sure everything is good for this Sundays public open house. One more thing to do so that DH2 can pocket some $$$$. (Yes, I am giving him the proceeds.) But, I am going to get my hair highlighted as well after work, and it will settle my mind before vacation to know it is all in tip-top shape. Plus, yesterday I got to see Baby N for a couple hours, which was pure heaven, saw my son, visited with my dad, emailed, text, finished all the laundry, worked on my floors, worked, and hopped back up on the treadmill for a few miles. No WAY was I leaving any time for another bad day to sneak its way in.

MOOD:
Great actually. HA! Take THAT, bad day!

9 - Well, well...Look what showed up.

4/20/09

Well, I actually thought I might be getting off scott-free. Guess not. Guess Im just your typical person going through a divorce. This rotten day reared its ugly head slowly with a simmering reveal, building slowly but surely:

A pretty bad day.

So, yes, I am having a bad day. Not horrible. Not the worst so far and not the worst I can remember and Im sure not the worst that will be. Just a crummy, ugh day. It started okay but trended down to a nadir fairly early. I woke up to no work, not completely unexpected as yesterday was the last day of the pay period and in this economy everyone is glomming the work that is there and the weekenders suck the work dry on Sunday. So, when I logged onto my work site at 6:00 AM, there was no work. In my line of work, if you dont work, you dont get paid even though you are required to stay logged on and do the work as it comes it. It is necessary, just seems such a waste of time. (Too much thinking time for me right now is the devil and something I need less of and not more. My overactive mind is my worst enemy.) So, with all these extra bills and no money coming in but still required to sit and stare at a blank screen, my mood quickly began to fade. When I did finally get work, my computer decided to hop on the bandwagon and switch over to the other team, locking up multiple times, that blinking cursor that would not move winking its devilishness at me - Stupid Technology. This ate up so much time, and thus the frustration began. Add onto that the realtor message concerning the broker open tomorrow for the house for sale, a rainy cool day, and bills out the yin-yang, my mood started to wane and eventually just became flat-out grumpy and sad. Yup, the ugly cry showed today, just briefly - that old friend of mine. Guess Im human, although right now I dont feel very much like it.

I am going to keep this short, as that is how I feel - short. Short, mad, sad, lonely, crabby, mildly panicked, majorly irritated.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I try to think of a bad day as a striking comparison to the good days, the dark mirror that reflects how good a good day is. If the bad days werent so bad, the good days would not be so amazing.

And we'll leave it at that.

TODAY:
I wish was over.

MOOD:
See above.

8 - The Proposal

4/19/09

As it continues, the climax of the story should be this: The Proposal. Actually, I think it was more the fulcrum awaiting the balance decision, the corner awaiting the turn, the cook awaiting the bubbles of the boil. It was a deciding point more than the beginning of a happy time. A deciding point for me. I think most men who propose are close to 100% sure that their question will be answered in the affirmative and most proposees see the query approaching. Neither of us were in that position. DH2 and I had traveled and occasionally had looked at engagement rings, me always leaning toward the small sentimental stone and my salesman of a man always encouraging me to choose a larger stone (a way too large stone IMO). So, we had never actually found a ring we agreed on and it never seemed a huge deal that we hadnt, or so I thought. What I am getting at is that I did not see the proposal coming.

It was near Christmas, in December if I remember correctly. DH2 was in town from out of state and I was home. He was going with some family members (who lived near me) out of town briefly and then would be over. It was getting later than I had expected, and I eventually received a call from him - He would be to my house soon; something had come up and he was running late. Oh, okay - no problem.

A few hours later he arrived, no big flurry, not much of an explanation, acting a little odd, a little distant. Strange for him as he was usually very affectionate with me. I really thought no more about it than that - just a little flustered, a change of plans. We had come to a comfortable place, living apart, traveling to see one another, trading off the traveling. We were happy-ish, I think. We definitely enjoyed out time together, always, although we had issues like all couples do. He was much more in love with me, as he said ad naseum, and I was tolerant of his faults - to a degree. I had baggage, and I had made him well aware of my trust issues, my afraid to get too invested issues, my inability to be overly outwardly affectionate issues, my never would I let someone hurt me like that again (DH1)issues.

So, as we sat down on my red checkered couch on a dark and cold Midwestern winter night by a roaring fireplace or maybe it was candlelight or maybe it was just a movie of the week on the flat screen (pick a setting, any setting), he turned to me with big ol' scared to death eyes, and reaching behind me to the sofa table, pulled out a charcoal gray trinket-sized box and said, "Will you marry me?"

**CRICKETS**

I did not cry. I didnt scream or jump up and down or anything really. In fact, I did not answer (poor guy). I know I put my face in both hands and thought to myself, "Well, will ya?"

I turned, looked at him, and said, "I dont see you down on one knee." (Again, poor guy.)

I know it was not picture perfect. I know it was probably not what he expected. I know my vision of what I wanted and how I wanted it to be was different. I to this day feel bad for him. But, bottom line was I did very much care for him, I knew how much fun we had together, I knew how much time we had invested in each other (now more than a year since our initial contact after not seeing each other for 25 years), and I thought very much we had a shot at happiness, at least I hoped we did.

Eyes still big and bulging, ring box sporting a small dinner plate size diamond (well, not actually a dinner plate, maybe the dessert plate) perched on his outstretched hand, 2 hearts beating a zillion miles a minute, I said yes.

Yes, of course, I would marry him.

(Balance of weight shift to teeter just slightly to one side of the fulcrum/corner turned/boil erupts - and a new chapter begins.)

TODAY:
Here is the first of my rant, mild though it may be: I went to "our" house, the big house that is for sale, today to check on a few things and make sure it is ready for the broker open house and public open house this week, and spontaneously I started packing. I did not pack anything that changed the look of the house, but I packed my SUV to the brim with my personal stuff and I more or less moved out. I wish this was more of a rant and bursting at the seams with anger at having to give up this house or move or, well, anything. Dang it. Im okay! Open your eyes, Elle. Probably a sign - ya THINK??? It is a little sad, but truly just a twinge sad. Im really okay. Maybe I am healthier than I thought. I came home, logged onto the internet, and I bought tickets for vacation!!! I am so blandly, boringly, vanilla-ly predictable that I am sure I am shocking a few family and friends, but I am going on vacay for 2 weeks. Like I said, I can work from anywhere, so I thought this was a good time. I went to church this AM, where I met my son, did a little work around the house, talked to my daughter on the phone, did some moving, did some packing and unpacking, generally enjoyed my day.

MOOD: Hhhhhmmmmm, ready Elle? Ready to start paying attention? I think I may be...

7 - Can you say "rebound?"

4/18/09

Well, the word rebound never entered my mind, but it should have, since my dad and my daughter and several friends had broached the subject with me early on. You hear what you wanna hear, I guess. I poo-pooed the "rebound" idea immediately. I was smart, in-tune, well versed on interpersonal relationships. I would certainly recognize it if I was falling in love with my "rebound," wouldnt I? Of COURSE I would. Sheesh, you guys! Give me some credit here. Gosh darn and golly. Oprah is from Chicago, for cryin' out loud! Some of that social awareness had to have seeped into my pores by shear osmosis, Oprah being my hometown girl and all, right? Think again, Oh Blind And Denying One! I dont think anyone actually realizes they are in a rebound relationship, not when they are actually "in" it. You always think you are the exception. I was not the exception. I now truly think that DH2 was my rebound. The difference with me is that I get so invested in things, in relationships, in people, in EVERYTHING. Where most people would wander away from a coupling like this once they realized it was time to move on, Im competitive - probably the most competitive person you would ever meet. I hung on for as long as I could, kicking and screaming, digging in my heels, clinging with that last hook-shaped nail, trying to make this relationship work, trying to make it my "not rebound." Sigh...

So, our relationship grew. He was in sales and lied for a living. He graciously extended that offering to me, lying often, often for no good reason other than the sake of lying. He courted me from a distance and continued to live his single life 1500 miles away, while I slowly became invested, faithful, true, hopeful again. I continued my two jobs, my life with my friends and family, took care of my house, my life and my schoolwork. I think I forgot to mention that during this time I was also taking college courses in pre-nursing. Whoops! The layering of the distractions is getting thick, isnt it? I can take my job with me wherever I go, so I did all this here, there and everywhere, working around everyones schedule but mine, making everyone happy but me, and then I would travel to his state to see him as well. We also traveled together, to the shore, to Miami, to Vegas, and to my fave place of all....The City of Chicago. We traveled and played and fell deeper in love, him with the busy-me and I with the him that he chose for me to see.

After a few months, my divorce was final and I felt oddly relieved. I think I went to the courthouse and laid to rest my 20+ marriage and then drove to my night job. I dont recall that I broke down or even altered my daily routine. I think I had long ago said goodbye to the feelings of that life and was ready to be my own person.

My own person, huh? Wait a sec there, buckaroos! I was already in another relationship, a duet, a couple, a me-plus-another, before my last marriage had even ended. I was so busy controlling how my wonderful life would go, that I was forgetting to let my life "happen." Too bad for me, as I look back. If you cover an open wound with a bandage or a dressing while it is still oozing (even though you think this is what you need to heal), chances are that wound either gets infected or is reopened as a deeper, wider, bigger wound when you rip that covering away.

So, as I buried the pain of the loss of my forever-family under the new Band-Aid of DH2 and all the fun we were having, I plowed ahead without looking back. Just a note: Never forget to look in your rearview mirror. Look ahead, but never forget - learn from your mistakes.

Within a 6 months of my divorce being final, on a cold evening on a red checkered couch, totally unexpectedly, I was surprised with the "popping" of a question....

TODAY:
I keep wanting to post a rant. So far, no go. Today I took a drive and enjoyed the newness of spring, the changes in my familiar surroundings in the local towns, buds on the shrubs. I then worked in the yard, talked with the neighbors, played for an hour with my drop-dead-gorgeous grandson who is a beacon of light for the world (OK -Im allowed this indulgence with him!!!), and just basically enjoyed my life today. I do have to say that today I took a long nap in my favorite comfy reading chair. I am a go-getter, an Energizer bunny, a never quit til everything is done kinda girl. Today, I let that go and took a nap. Cant remember ever doing that. I allowed myself this treat. Its really okay to good to yourself sometimes. This is a new concept for me.

MOOD: Calm, happy, hopeful...

6 - Places to go, People to see...

4/16/09

Phew! Taxes finally in the mail yesterday and a whole load off my mind! Well, at least one thing off the list...Check! Trying to get that annual pain in the arse done and stamped put me in the mood to start a "to do" list for my divorce-mode group. So, my divorce story will continue with the next post.

I am sure there are others like me who feel sheer panic at thinking of being alone. On the day my best friend found out her husband of 20+ years was cheating and she was divorcing, called to ask me just 1 question: Arent you lonely? At my honestly, her wail was heartwrenching. In fact, I have found quite a few people, some middle-aged, some older AND some VERY young, whose first thought that goes hand-in-hand with the word divorce is LONELY! They are right. So right, not surprisingly, that the wide-ranging implications of that 6-letter word WAY keeps people in relationships that have run their course. No one wants to be alone or lonely, IMO, but it really does go with the territory. In the early stages of MyStupidSecondDivorce, I spent many, many, many hours/days/weeks/months, whining and moaning to my friends (hi cows!), my family, basically anyone who would listen about how horrible it was to be alone and lonely. T-I-M-E was my new 4-letter word. I can tell you honestly that for the longest time that word scared the heckouttame! People would make suggestions,and I would say...yea, but... My perpetual excuse-making for doing nothing and whining about it cost me a few friends. It seemed like I would ask for advice on how to occupy my time but forever would find some excuse to do NOTHING. Not nothing, actually. I kept my house and worked and all the usual activities of daily living, but I was not necessarily live-ing. I suppose if I actually went out and found something fun to do, I would have nothing left to whine about. So, the following is my list of suggestions of things to do to occupy your time (mind) during a stupid divorce/breakup. I am frugal with a capital F, so most of these things are free or very inexpensive:

~Get a library card. If you get one in your town or county, it is usually free. Not only can you spend time there reading, flipping through magazines, etc., its like a free newspaper subscription, they usually host a book club you can join, and may have author "events." AND, there are OTHER people there. OTHER people who can READ - BOOKS, you know those rectangle things with a buncha pages in the middle. Being a place with other smart people is a good thing if you are trying to steer away from the losers/dropouts/dumbos roaming around out in the big, bad world.

~Stop in at the local bookstore. If it is a big box bookstore, it will usually be busy and the OTHERS there probably can also read - see above. I always suggest this. I have a male friend who I suggested this to. He finally did it a few weeks ago. He emailed me quick and told me that a female had approached him, they had a long conversation and they are going to dinner! SEE!

~Join a gym. This may actually cost, but some gyms are not very expensive, usually offset by the amount of money you will save NOT going thru the Burger King since you are working on your new SVELTE self. Again, PEOPLE at the gym! Take your books you checked out from the library!!

~Hit the bike path, beach, walking path, park, etc. in your area. Its good exercise and gets you out of the house and healthier. I ended up meeting up with a jogging partner last summer. It was a younger guy I did not know, had never met, still dont know his name, but we would occasionally run in unison on the bike path and it was FUN.

~Go to the show. Its okay to go alone. Really, its okay. Chances are you wont meet date material there, but it takes up 2 hours of your time, usually enjoyably.

~Take a class at your local CC or wherever. This is usually not expensive. Especially if it is a "fun" class, the atmosphere will be lighter, like digital photography, computers, fiction writing.

~Some neighborhoods have an annual block party or 4th of July party or even block garage sale. If you are invited, go. It may not even be your thing, but it is a good way to get to know your neighbors and who knows where that could lead.

~Find a church. Maybe you have a church - get more involved. Maybe you have long been away from your family church - go back. Never been to church? - look up your local LARGE nondenominational church. This has been a Godsend (yes, pun intended) for me. I have gotten very much involved with my contemporary church. Within the church, there are always ways to volunteer. They also usually offer "small groups" that meet on a more personal level. Think you will be singled out, feel out of place, expected to give a lot of money? - You would be surprised at the new way to do church.

~Go to a bar. Okay, this is SO not me. I dont do the bar thing and I dont want to meet anyone in a bar, but maybe this IS your thing. I do have to say that I like music and have been surprised at the really good talent that you can find at a bar. A bar sometimes will offer dance lessons or a meet and greet time. Anyway, not for me....but who knows!

Ill leave it at that for not and add more later. I think the point is to GET OUT THERE. Dont go looking for a mate, look for enjoyment. You never know who may turn up at these places or who you may meet that knows just the person to introduce to you. It happens every day.

TODAY:
I moved out of the big house into MY house. The big house is up for sale and even with just me there I feel like I am always cleaning up, thinking a real estate agent will unexpectedly have a buyer in to see it. So, easier just to clean it and leave. I worked, cleaned MY house, mowed (I love working in my yard), moved the patio furniture to the deck (come ON nice weather - Im ready for ya), talked to my kids, family, and made plans with some friends.

MOOD: Excellent, happy, getting there...

5 - Whirlwind

4/14/09

The picture of the butterfly was taken last year in the summer at MY house - not the house that is for sale. I walked out of my garage door one day and there on my garage floor was this beautiful butterfly. If you look at the background of the picture, it sorta looks like marble or maybe a travertine or some beautiful stone, but it is actually my dirty cement garage floor. It almost looks rich, pretty, semi-precious in the picture. Maybe it is true that the more interesting, good, pretty, beautiful at heart you are then you elevate/improve your surroundings or maybe just make them interesting when before they may have been ordinary. I think that is a good lesson for me. The nicer at heart I am, maybe it will lift up the people and things around me and in turn lift me up.

So, to continue my divorce story, I was in the process of my divorce at this point, my DH1 asking me to move out; we were living together still in the house we had shared for 20 years. It was awkward and difficult and stressful, a heart-hurting dance. The streaa was more than you can imagine. So, we tiptoed around, held our tongues when my daughter or son were around, and continued to press forward with the divorce, both wanting it, neither wanting it. It was the fall as I had been raking leaves on my house hunt that day, probably October or November. Fall is my favorite time of year, but that year I hardly recall anything, let alone the smell of burning leaves, the change in color of nature, the small town HS football atmosphere I so love. I think I have shut out most of the memories from then. I know I was sick at heart and therefore physically fading, possibly subconsciously on purpose - if that makes any sense at all. In the past I had struggled with my weight, from time to time losing more than I should - a measure of control I now feel I probably needed when other things in my life were very much not in control. It was a time when I was losing a dangerous amount of weight. I had taken a second job at a department store at a large mall about 30 miles away. I was seasonal help in the baby department. Still to this day it makes me mad when young kids or even adults wont work for minimum wage - I took this job and made $7 an hour after I had worked 10 hours a day at home. I was petrified that I would not have enough money to eat, that they would take my car, my house, my life, my dignity. I thought I could never do it, support myself let alone my kids. I have no idea why I had no confidence, but that had virtually disappeared, just like I was beginning to disappear. I was conscious of the weight loss as I remember putting a Halloween bag of candy bars, Twix I think, in the cubby in my car and I would eat them on the drive to my second job so that I would not blackout while driving the long 40 minutes or so to work. I had had a few incidents of the black curtain coming down at odd times and I scared me. I also got up every day at 4:00 to work out at the local hospital. This was new for me and I was very much enjoying it. My days were often 18 hours long, and I think they saved my life. Too much thinking time can be bad for the soul. After that first phone call from DH2 after I had emailed his sister about the house for sale, we did not speak again for a while. We had briefly touched base and then there was a lull. I think it was probably Thanksgiving or close to Christmas before he called me again and I had virtually forgotten him. He lived in a sunny warm climate and I was working, working, working out, driving from job to job, trying to survive a cold winter, a cold heart, a frosty life. My daughter was graduating high school early, at semester break of her senior year, and I was trying to plan a graduation party during all of this. I have no memory of this planning, but DH2 later told me that I had told him that as soon as she graduated I was filing for divorce officially. She did, I did, and he said he was hooked. He had found someone who did EXACTLY what they said they would. I never knew any different. That is just my personality to this day. He should have been well aware of that by then as I can remember a phone call he placed to me during a work day, after which I had to leave immediately to go to my second job. I told him a good time to talk would be on my drive to the second job. Asking what would be the best time to catch me on the way to work, I told him to call at 3:30, I would be parking at the mall by 4:00 and that would give us 30 minutes to chat about our days and cell phones were not permitted at work. So, off I drove to work that day, knowing he would call. He did not. About 5 minutes before I got to work, probably 3:55 and 25 minutes later than he said he would call, still on my way, my phone rang and it was him. No go, buddy. I dont work that way. Call when you say you are going to or dont call at all. So, I let it ring, go to voicemail and then I shut it off without listening. Its just the way I am. I do what I say I am going to do, and you should as well. Anything less seems rude. Your time is not more important than mine, nor my feelings. It was a late night, close to Christmas so we often worked extended hours. When I came out to my car, I had missed calls. 18 to be exact, all from him. That was our first dance of expectations in our budding relationship. He went to NY for Christmas, I planned a graduation party, worked 2 jobs, and we started to increase the frequency of our phone calls (his always when he said they would be from that time on - LOL). So, the meshing of this new relationship had begun, friendly at first and then slowly deepening. Rebound never entered my mind....

TODAY:
Today, I worked, cleaned up the house as it needed some dusting as I think I will go to my own house (yup, I have 2) and work on the yard and enjoy it. That house is paid for (2 jobs really does pay off!) and the home I have had since I was 21 years old. I love it there. Its like a big hug when I go there - warm, homey, home. I emailed and text some friends and family, started making plans with my mom for a trip there, okayed an ad for the brokers open house, got extra keys made at the hardware store, just basically started to tie up some loose ends.

Mood: Great, calm, happy - wow...I think I might be happy~

4 - Hoppy Easter

4/12/09

Easter Sunday deserves a quick time to reflect, to be thankful for all I have and wish blessings to all my family and friends! If you are enjoying this day, hugs to you. If times have been tough, may good things begin today - you are NOT alone. The purple flower is from the front of my house. I took it this morning, a sure sign of new beginnings, happy things, fresh starts!



MyStupidSecondDivorce took a backseat to family and friends today. I enjoyed both immensely, including some community and a wholelottafood! EGADS! I need to learn to make LESS and not worry about running out. I am an awful cook, but ham and fixin's are fairly basic and no one went home doubled over, so I think Im good to go! Now, if my hind end would quit growing....lets just say its wide AND flat these days!

I think on this religious holiday people often look for signs, signs of the coming warm months, signs of change, of hope - like my purple landscaping flower. I think early in my first divorce I did the same. Near the end of the crying and fighting and dividing of the whogetswhat nonsense, DH1 suggested to me that I might need to find a place to live, a new home for my HS-age daughter and I. Hhhhhmmmm. Interesting, since I had spent the last 20 years being a SAHM, working mostly parttime to keep within our tax bracket while raising the kids and running our home. Now I had to consider shelter? Sheesh! Who the heck was going to give me a loan, let alone how would I come up with a down payment on a home on my own as I was giving DH1 everything in the divorce. Remember when you were a kid and pulled a funny face or crossed your eyes and dear old mom warned you if you kept it up that your face would stay that way? Well, that warning came back to haunt me right then as during this time I thought "the big ugly cry" would adorn my next drivers license headshot. You know, the mouth open wide, eyes squeezed shut, snot-running, gutteral moan cry that physically hurts? Yup, that one was happening pretty often.

So, on a Sunday while raking leaves in my ugliest orange hoodie with my daughter asleep in the house not feeling well, I threw "the big ugly cry" on my mug, this time attached to the whoaisme self-pity party, and hopped in my car and drove, drove to a few nearby small towns (no way did I want to live HERE anymore) and blindly scoured the new affordable residential subdivisions looking for my "dream" (cheap) home. I looked and looked most of the day until I found just one I thought may fall in my price range. (It was small and plain and poorly located - a perfect fit for a broke, newly divorced, part-time employed, deer-in-the-headlights worrier.) So, I took the number and website off the sign with just a glimmer of hope, a small sign that maybe, just maybe I would not soon live in a tent and headed home to look up info on this ugly shack. I did just that, only to find that the realtor of the house was the sister of my unbeknownst-to-me-soon-to-be DH2. WHAT? I had dated DH2 for a while in HS and so knew his sister well. Was it a sign? Was it fate? Oh my gosh - HOPE!!!! So, I shot a quick, innocent email to her that night, giving no information on me, just that my situation was changing with the kids almost out of the house, asking if I could see this house when it was convenient for her...blahblahblah. By 10:30 AM the next morning, my house phone rang. With the help of caller ID, even before I answered I knew I was saying hello to a chain of events that lead to hope, just a glimmer, but infinitely more hope than I had had the day before. My long-distance tie to my freshman-year-in-HS crush was initiated. A sign, fate (as most who heard this story called it - romantic twits!), whatever it was had appeared: My lifeline.....

TODAY:
This morning was busy with a much anticipated church service, then cooking, baking, entertaining, touching base with family and friends, enjoying the day, enjoying the Masters, enjoying life. Sigh.

Mood: Calm, good.

THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
People, BE KIND! If you are reading this, I mean you. Just, please, be kind...

3 - Clarification...

4/10/09

After some feedback that my blog seems sad or vengeful or written hoping to gain sympathy, I thought I should clarify a few things. First, my blog is mainly for venting and for fun and for story-telling. I like to write, and when someone suggested a blog,I was very curious, so I started to search. What I found was a lot of blogs by a lot of people with a LOT of talent. Whether it was beautiful photographs of food or children, intricate recipes, artists/muscicians displaying their God-given gifts or people writing thoughtful articles filled with facts, numbers, cited sites, quotes up the yin-yang, Hmmm....feel free to insert a little yellow sad emoticon here - I cant do any of that. All I know much about is my sad, pathetic, painfully bland life, which is comprised in the last few years of not one but TWO sad divorces. Well, when ya gotta write, ya gotta write! So, I though - what the hay! And, lucky you, this is what ya get.

So, this will evolve, be less bland, probably include some pics and snazzy quotes and snippets of music or something, but for now you get the one major clarification I want to add:

DH1 = Good Guy
DH2 = Good Guy

Really. No lie. Both of them are really pretty nice guys that for some reason I felt impossible to remain married to. I just think I have such a set-in-stone viision in my mind's eye of how I want my life that nothing less will do. So, while these guys were really pretty special men, they obviously deserved to have happiness out in the big wide world. Being just with me, spending time just with me, sharing things just with me was not enough for either, and that really is okay. Doesnt make them bad guys or unlovable or loved less by me. It just makes them onto other things and me - alone. If I've said it once, Ill say it a dozen times: Most people dont like me but I kinda do (and thus Im okay to just lead my frazzled little, uncomplicated, honebodied, work-filled, offspring-laden, grandchild-driven life).

I very much want to spend my time working, hearing that all of my family is healthy, happy and on a positive path, reading, keeping in touch with friends, window shopping, traveling, learning new things, starting a new venture,and if I do all that alone, I think Ive come to a place where Im okay with that. I really dont feel lonely, possibly slightly empowered by the calm I finally feel in all of it.

It was a long time coming and a lot of time spent doing "the big, ugly cry," but I think I may be there. Like the title of my blog states, this is MyStupidSecondDivorce = MY. MINE. All MINE.

So, whatever I write, its my impression, my thoughts, my perspective, MY everything. Not so much a reflection or snubbing of these men, but more of a place I just get to say whateverIwanna! HA! Take that, political correctness!

More tomorrow....

TODAY:
Today, I worked. I set up my laptop with work (it took the poor IT dept almost 6 hours - yikes) so that I can now travel and work anywhere I have electricity and an internet connection...Can you say FREEDOM!?? - I am giddy over the thought. I also confirmed a few things with my realtor, made N's Easter basket, had lunch with my DD (Dear Daughter), text my friends, talked to my mom on the phone for an hour, emailed other family members and friends, and attended Good Friday service at Heartland. I really did almost nothing divorce related - maybe that is a clue to my good mood. And so it goes....

2 -How It All Began...

4/09/09

Starting today, Im going to start my regular format: First, Ill ramble for a while in journal form, filling you in on my journey, updating facts, whining, ranting, venting, crying, laughing by myself, for myself, AT myself or just plain letting the words flow. Then, at the end I am hoping to add a TODAY section, letting you know how I handled today or anything concrete I actually did. Ready? And-a here-we-go...

So, DH2 (Dear Husband #2) slowly and deliberately swept me off my feet. At first, I was truly unsure, still very much engrossed in my 20+ year marriage and also still very much engrossed in the actual physical steps a divorce takes (as I was still in the process of divorcing DH1). Plus, I had 2 teenage kids to keep in mind, 1 in HS and 1 just beginning JR college. DH2 kept up a daily barrage of phone calls, cards, gifts, thoughtful tokens so unexpected from what I had ever known that the slow wrapping of the spiders web went pretty much unnoticed by me. I was preoccupied with the sad death of a life/the idea of my "Cleaver Family" while the silk slowly built up around me, as warm and comfortably sinful as anything I had ever felt. One key fact about DH2 that should have hit me like an airbag in a head-on but, of course, did not was that he was 40+ and never married. Well,well,well...how'd that pass me by? There was also a heckofalotta partying happening by him in this long-distance relationship. Oh, wait....forgot to tell you that part: DH2 lived 1500 miles away!!! Small, teeny-tiny fact I musta forgot to mention. So, yes, not only was I being lavished with attention, I never really got the chance to be annoyed by his bad habits, be smothered by spending too much time together or even seeing if he picked up his dirty clothes/regularly purged his fridge of rancid leftovers/was nice to the people he worked with....because we. lived. in. different. states. HA! How conveeeeeenient!

So, right from the beginning our relationship was filled with travel, vacations, time away, and, thus, lots-o-fun! I think we spent more money traveling and vacationing together that first year than most middle class workers bring home in a year laden with overtime. Dumb, looking back, especially in this economy, but the truth nonetheless.

So, how did we get to know each other? I guess we really didnt. We had known each other from the time I was about 13 years old (my next blog) but we did not really KNOW each other. We spent too much time having fun. He was nice, vane, newly slim and courting me with all he had, while I was preoccupied, a little snotty, with a little bit of unexpected new freedom at this particular time in my life and willing to be courted with all he had.

I loved the attention, I loved living like we could afford to be lavish, I loved being loved, and I loved falling in love....I was learning to adore him.

And so it began...

TODAY:
Today the joint house was listed. Signs are in the yard and a broker tour is scheduled for about 10 days from now. I cant file for divorce uncontested (and thus save the money that would go to an attorney) if we own anything together, so the house is listed. I love this house and will miss it, but I have to quit controlling things and let them happen and pray that things will work out. I also worked a full day, talked to my kids via txt, txt some friends, sent notes to 2 families that are dealing with the death of a loved one, made tentative plans to visit a friend who is going to help me with a business plan, and started to look for plane tix to travel to see my mom, nieces and nephew in the next month or so. To get through it - you need to plan, plan, plan things and stay busy.

1-Taking the plunge - Again...

4/8/09

Well, here goes. The first day of the humiliation of sharing My Stupid Second Divorce with the world. Why, oh why, would I subject myself to this public expose? Im really not sure. Lets see:

~I have so much time on my hands that I thought I might try this - I have to occupy my mind or I may just go crazy.

~My friends and family are tired of hearing me WHINE about all my divorce woes.

~I only found constructive advice, thoughtful contemplation and blogs full of great coping ideas on my search for a blogger to commiserate with, and I thought a blog of complete and utter stupidity, poor choices, bad decisions and subtle insanity may be a nice change of pace - for all to see.

First, the "hard" facts about me: Mid 40s, gainfully employed, mother, new grandmother, daughter, granddaughter, aunt, friend, not rich but not broke, homeowner, SUV owner, neurotic housecleaner.

Now, the "ugh" facts: Currently beginning my second stupid, stupid, stupid divorce. I should be good at this. Im not.

My story goes like this...Long ago in a too-close land I married my HS sweetheart (actually junior high sweetheart) 3 months after HS graduation. The cheerleader marries the wrestler, and they have 2 children, 1 dog and a LOT of growing up to do. While that marriage sadly ended (by a choice made by someone other than this author), I am proud to say it lasted an uncommon 20+ years. WHAT! Yup...over 20 years. And then, MLC = Mid Life Crisis!!! (OOOOOh cooties - dont touch your keyboard and jinx yourself!) I could not hold a candle at 38-ish to that 25-year-old bartender. Maybe she was interesting. Maybe she was smart, worldly, sophisticated, Mensa memberish. I really dont know. Ive never met her. But, she obviously offered DH1 (Dear Husband #1) something he was not getting from me. And so, off they skipped into the foggy, dewy days of new love, to leave me alone, slackjawed, bewildered, unsure of how to move on, how to get my mind around the idea of being alone again let alone even get my fist around the refrigerator door to retrieve my daily Yoplait.

I did stumble on, took a second job, gave DH1 everything in the Big D just to get it over with, bought a small used car, cried, worked hard, saved, panicked, sobbed, lost a dangerous amount of weight, cried, and then at some point without even realizing it was happening, it occurred to me that I was slowly creating "my" life, my new life - alone. Well, briefly...

In steps DH2 (Dear Husband #2), quite quickly (rebound) Id like to add. A shadowy puppy love from my past (freshman year in HS). So attentive, so loving, so completely IN LOVE with me (wow - someone can love ME???? Leftover scraps that DH1 tossed aside like his wrestling headgear?)!!! I was entranced....

And that is how my story begins....