4/24/09
Well, the end of that story is not actually the end. Not of that night anyway. As I blog along, I will not continue to go into such great detail about each and every incident, not that there were that many. I just think this night is pivotal. It is obviously pivotal but also not so obviously pivotal in the fact that some people may have chosen to look the other way, turn the other cheek. So, to continue...
After my drunk fiance offered his suckling services to this female, a guest at our home, while I stood just a few feet away, there was a long pause. I am not a fit-thrower or a scene-maker. As a matter of fact, my DH2 commented once about me, saying, "No drama there." There really wasnt much - drama, I mean. Not from me. No usually anyway. This night was no exception. While the rest of the houseguests, not knowing me well, stood still, waiting for my reaction, hoping, praying I would supply the evening's entertainment, I did not oblige. I remember turning to the refrigerator, a slight stutter in my action but not much else to indicate a REaction, and continued on with what I was doing. Quieter now but still a small crowd, the room resumed. This is what someone might call a moment in time. I think I disappointed them all. I think they were ready, anxious, hoping I would blow up, throw a fit, raise my voice. Like I said, I just continued on with what I was doing and then left the room. The mom and newborn then went to the living room to nurse, and I followed them in to keep her company. A few minutes later the female guest stormed into the room we occupied, laughing, giggling, giddy. Her "Im so blonde and stupid" (she was Hispanic) a-little-too-loud-and-I-hope-everyone-is-paying-attention-to-me outburst was: Get away from me, oh my gosh, stop IT, I cant believe you!! - All directed toward my fiance, all aimed to please her audience, their little show of flirtation, of clandestine sexual innuendo. Hhhhhhhmmmmm, Im blonde, but not really. Obviously my DH2 was speaking inappropriately to her or acting inappropriately toward her, always on, always the life of the party, this time at my expense, with her total flaunting of it for all to see, his total disregard for me.
Ill take a minute now to tell you a small thing about me. I have a 3-day rule. Its a rule about everything. If I find something that costs more than $200 and I want to buy it, I wait a full 3 days before I return to make that purchase. I always comply. I always take those 3 days to ponder, overanalyze. I rarely follow up and actually purchase that thing that just a few days earlier I thought I could not live with out. This also goes for big decisions: Jobs, finances, houses, cars, friends, FIANCES.
So, I emotionally closed up for my 3 days after that "party" situation, probably already knowing it was the end, that single moment in time, pivotal. But, to be true to the way I operate, the way I live my life, I literally thought to myself that I would take those 3 days and not make a rash decision. And I held to that.
The party broke up fairly quickly, DH2 passing out or vomiting or slurring his words so badly he was no longer an enjoyable conversationalist, even for his also-drunken guests. Everyone left, he went to bed, and I stewed, quietly, alone, but stewed nonetheless. I dont share much with anyone, so there was no crying to friends, bouncing my decision off my family, no scribing in my diary. This was a big decision, and it was all mine.
I was scheduled to leave the next day, and I did just that, flying home. I did not mention what had happened and neither did he. I was distant and quiet, sullen, ready to leave, knowing I probably would not be back, angry more than sad at this point. He drove me to the airport seeming to not understand my mood. Thats okay. I didnt understand his actions either.
So I went home on a Sunday, and on Tuesday, 3 days later, on the phone, just a few short months after we had become engaged, just barely into the planning stage of our wedding, the only item purchased - my wedding gown, which I loved, I ended it. I told him what had happened that night, and he seemed genuinely surprised, like it was a story he did not know, a part of his life that was a blank, a play he had not attended. If he knew or remembered, he is an excellent actor. He almost seemed unbelieving that he could have done this to me. Tell me about it buddy....
I had to end it, I felt. How could I trust a man who would do such a blatantly disrespectful and unfaithful and mean thing to me while I was standing just 4 feet away? What was he doing when I was 1500 miles away? Willing to believe it or not, I already knew the answer. Rhetorical questions sometimes hurt the most. At least this one did.
Of course it had to be over. In my mind, this almost-marriage was over before it started. I brokenheartedly clap-clapped my hands free of the dry dusty chalk that was us, spun heel and continued on a different path in my life, an unexpected fork in the road. Oh, how I wish I had had my Garmin then!
TODAY:
Well, today I am typing in the airport. I am traveling to Vegas, and happily and with just a little bit of relief, my writing has kept me from noticing the couples in the airport or quite possibly I had imagined there were more than there had been. Either way, glad to be at the airport, on my way...
MOOD: Excited for some time away.
No comments:
Post a Comment