5 - Whirlwind

4/14/09

The picture of the butterfly was taken last year in the summer at MY house - not the house that is for sale. I walked out of my garage door one day and there on my garage floor was this beautiful butterfly. If you look at the background of the picture, it sorta looks like marble or maybe a travertine or some beautiful stone, but it is actually my dirty cement garage floor. It almost looks rich, pretty, semi-precious in the picture. Maybe it is true that the more interesting, good, pretty, beautiful at heart you are then you elevate/improve your surroundings or maybe just make them interesting when before they may have been ordinary. I think that is a good lesson for me. The nicer at heart I am, maybe it will lift up the people and things around me and in turn lift me up.

So, to continue my divorce story, I was in the process of my divorce at this point, my DH1 asking me to move out; we were living together still in the house we had shared for 20 years. It was awkward and difficult and stressful, a heart-hurting dance. The streaa was more than you can imagine. So, we tiptoed around, held our tongues when my daughter or son were around, and continued to press forward with the divorce, both wanting it, neither wanting it. It was the fall as I had been raking leaves on my house hunt that day, probably October or November. Fall is my favorite time of year, but that year I hardly recall anything, let alone the smell of burning leaves, the change in color of nature, the small town HS football atmosphere I so love. I think I have shut out most of the memories from then. I know I was sick at heart and therefore physically fading, possibly subconsciously on purpose - if that makes any sense at all. In the past I had struggled with my weight, from time to time losing more than I should - a measure of control I now feel I probably needed when other things in my life were very much not in control. It was a time when I was losing a dangerous amount of weight. I had taken a second job at a department store at a large mall about 30 miles away. I was seasonal help in the baby department. Still to this day it makes me mad when young kids or even adults wont work for minimum wage - I took this job and made $7 an hour after I had worked 10 hours a day at home. I was petrified that I would not have enough money to eat, that they would take my car, my house, my life, my dignity. I thought I could never do it, support myself let alone my kids. I have no idea why I had no confidence, but that had virtually disappeared, just like I was beginning to disappear. I was conscious of the weight loss as I remember putting a Halloween bag of candy bars, Twix I think, in the cubby in my car and I would eat them on the drive to my second job so that I would not blackout while driving the long 40 minutes or so to work. I had had a few incidents of the black curtain coming down at odd times and I scared me. I also got up every day at 4:00 to work out at the local hospital. This was new for me and I was very much enjoying it. My days were often 18 hours long, and I think they saved my life. Too much thinking time can be bad for the soul. After that first phone call from DH2 after I had emailed his sister about the house for sale, we did not speak again for a while. We had briefly touched base and then there was a lull. I think it was probably Thanksgiving or close to Christmas before he called me again and I had virtually forgotten him. He lived in a sunny warm climate and I was working, working, working out, driving from job to job, trying to survive a cold winter, a cold heart, a frosty life. My daughter was graduating high school early, at semester break of her senior year, and I was trying to plan a graduation party during all of this. I have no memory of this planning, but DH2 later told me that I had told him that as soon as she graduated I was filing for divorce officially. She did, I did, and he said he was hooked. He had found someone who did EXACTLY what they said they would. I never knew any different. That is just my personality to this day. He should have been well aware of that by then as I can remember a phone call he placed to me during a work day, after which I had to leave immediately to go to my second job. I told him a good time to talk would be on my drive to the second job. Asking what would be the best time to catch me on the way to work, I told him to call at 3:30, I would be parking at the mall by 4:00 and that would give us 30 minutes to chat about our days and cell phones were not permitted at work. So, off I drove to work that day, knowing he would call. He did not. About 5 minutes before I got to work, probably 3:55 and 25 minutes later than he said he would call, still on my way, my phone rang and it was him. No go, buddy. I dont work that way. Call when you say you are going to or dont call at all. So, I let it ring, go to voicemail and then I shut it off without listening. Its just the way I am. I do what I say I am going to do, and you should as well. Anything less seems rude. Your time is not more important than mine, nor my feelings. It was a late night, close to Christmas so we often worked extended hours. When I came out to my car, I had missed calls. 18 to be exact, all from him. That was our first dance of expectations in our budding relationship. He went to NY for Christmas, I planned a graduation party, worked 2 jobs, and we started to increase the frequency of our phone calls (his always when he said they would be from that time on - LOL). So, the meshing of this new relationship had begun, friendly at first and then slowly deepening. Rebound never entered my mind....

TODAY:
Today, I worked, cleaned up the house as it needed some dusting as I think I will go to my own house (yup, I have 2) and work on the yard and enjoy it. That house is paid for (2 jobs really does pay off!) and the home I have had since I was 21 years old. I love it there. Its like a big hug when I go there - warm, homey, home. I emailed and text some friends and family, started making plans with my mom for a trip there, okayed an ad for the brokers open house, got extra keys made at the hardware store, just basically started to tie up some loose ends.

Mood: Great, calm, happy - wow...I think I might be happy~