8 - The Proposal

4/19/09

As it continues, the climax of the story should be this: The Proposal. Actually, I think it was more the fulcrum awaiting the balance decision, the corner awaiting the turn, the cook awaiting the bubbles of the boil. It was a deciding point more than the beginning of a happy time. A deciding point for me. I think most men who propose are close to 100% sure that their question will be answered in the affirmative and most proposees see the query approaching. Neither of us were in that position. DH2 and I had traveled and occasionally had looked at engagement rings, me always leaning toward the small sentimental stone and my salesman of a man always encouraging me to choose a larger stone (a way too large stone IMO). So, we had never actually found a ring we agreed on and it never seemed a huge deal that we hadnt, or so I thought. What I am getting at is that I did not see the proposal coming.

It was near Christmas, in December if I remember correctly. DH2 was in town from out of state and I was home. He was going with some family members (who lived near me) out of town briefly and then would be over. It was getting later than I had expected, and I eventually received a call from him - He would be to my house soon; something had come up and he was running late. Oh, okay - no problem.

A few hours later he arrived, no big flurry, not much of an explanation, acting a little odd, a little distant. Strange for him as he was usually very affectionate with me. I really thought no more about it than that - just a little flustered, a change of plans. We had come to a comfortable place, living apart, traveling to see one another, trading off the traveling. We were happy-ish, I think. We definitely enjoyed out time together, always, although we had issues like all couples do. He was much more in love with me, as he said ad naseum, and I was tolerant of his faults - to a degree. I had baggage, and I had made him well aware of my trust issues, my afraid to get too invested issues, my inability to be overly outwardly affectionate issues, my never would I let someone hurt me like that again (DH1)issues.

So, as we sat down on my red checkered couch on a dark and cold Midwestern winter night by a roaring fireplace or maybe it was candlelight or maybe it was just a movie of the week on the flat screen (pick a setting, any setting), he turned to me with big ol' scared to death eyes, and reaching behind me to the sofa table, pulled out a charcoal gray trinket-sized box and said, "Will you marry me?"

**CRICKETS**

I did not cry. I didnt scream or jump up and down or anything really. In fact, I did not answer (poor guy). I know I put my face in both hands and thought to myself, "Well, will ya?"

I turned, looked at him, and said, "I dont see you down on one knee." (Again, poor guy.)

I know it was not picture perfect. I know it was probably not what he expected. I know my vision of what I wanted and how I wanted it to be was different. I to this day feel bad for him. But, bottom line was I did very much care for him, I knew how much fun we had together, I knew how much time we had invested in each other (now more than a year since our initial contact after not seeing each other for 25 years), and I thought very much we had a shot at happiness, at least I hoped we did.

Eyes still big and bulging, ring box sporting a small dinner plate size diamond (well, not actually a dinner plate, maybe the dessert plate) perched on his outstretched hand, 2 hearts beating a zillion miles a minute, I said yes.

Yes, of course, I would marry him.

(Balance of weight shift to teeter just slightly to one side of the fulcrum/corner turned/boil erupts - and a new chapter begins.)

TODAY:
Here is the first of my rant, mild though it may be: I went to "our" house, the big house that is for sale, today to check on a few things and make sure it is ready for the broker open house and public open house this week, and spontaneously I started packing. I did not pack anything that changed the look of the house, but I packed my SUV to the brim with my personal stuff and I more or less moved out. I wish this was more of a rant and bursting at the seams with anger at having to give up this house or move or, well, anything. Dang it. Im okay! Open your eyes, Elle. Probably a sign - ya THINK??? It is a little sad, but truly just a twinge sad. Im really okay. Maybe I am healthier than I thought. I came home, logged onto the internet, and I bought tickets for vacation!!! I am so blandly, boringly, vanilla-ly predictable that I am sure I am shocking a few family and friends, but I am going on vacay for 2 weeks. Like I said, I can work from anywhere, so I thought this was a good time. I went to church this AM, where I met my son, did a little work around the house, talked to my daughter on the phone, did some moving, did some packing and unpacking, generally enjoyed my day.

MOOD: Hhhhhmmmmm, ready Elle? Ready to start paying attention? I think I may be...