5/13/09
Odd that this is May "13," the bad-luck day, coincidentally the day I post this part of the story, the day we reconnect.
Perched in front of my family room desktop, Merlot to my right, hands hovering above the keyboard, the IM pops up with an immediate query from DH2 (then ex-fiance): "You there? Can we talk?"
I waited. I knew he would not log off until I answered, and this was the moment that I realized he was still available, still interested in reuniting...pendulum swing. It was an immediate refueling of nerve and confidence and whatever it is that makes you feel like this is a moment you deserve after a long wait. I knew the ball was in my court. I was in the driver's seat of this odd relationship. I had waited the whole year thinking I did not want it and now the last 6 weeks making sure I did. Not impulsive (much) but definitely indecisive even if the indecision covered almost a year.
I had to make a choice here. Did I answer, spill my guts and tell him I had taken 6 weeks and decided to try again or not answer at all? My other option was to answer but not fill him in, just yet.
I gathered my thoughts for a moment, swilled some courage, took a breath followed by a sigh, and replied - SEND.
He was surprised. While I do not remember the exact words, I do know that he answered as if taken off guard, mostly that I answered at all after many months, pushing a year, but also that it was not an angry answer, a brush-off or dismissal. I coulda, and probably shoulda, but I did not go there.
He commented almost immediately that he thought we would never speak again, that I would never give him the time of day, allow him contact, an "in." I should have taken that advice, in hindsight.
Contact was made, small talk, light questions, pat answers, brevity. I look back now, and the anticipation, the challenge of waiting, the challenge to myself to make a strong, sound, decisive decision was probably more of a draw than the contact itself. You dont get that hanging-in-the-balance back once youve offered it up; its lost.
We chatted, and I offered little. I finished my wine and told him time was up. He asked if we would talk again, wondering when. I knew we would, of course. I had not even told him yet we would be married soon...
TODAY:
Well, my first day to work for 50% of my pay. How nice is that? Rewarding and so ego-building. (Yes, that was sarcasm.) I think if I was not trying to sell a house and enjoy my family and get a divorce right now, I would probably make more of an effort to move on. I will soon; I just know my plate is full right now and added stress has not worked out well for me in the past. My decisions come without much logic in this position (see above), so Ill stick with what I know for now. I did get to play with Baby N today. He can hit the ball like a little pro!!! Talked mostly by email, text and phone to family and friends, enjoying this drizzly, shady, cool day at home for a change. Dang, wish I had not worn my "cute" shirt today!
MOOD:
Okay. Surprised I have not been more upset with only a few bad days under my belt. Apprehensive that they are coming, lurking around the corner, waiting to ruin a good day, one I am beginning to realize I am due.
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