4 - What do I do now??

6/12/09

I could ask Jesus...What have I done? But, Im not sure I was listening even if he was answering. I was marginally devastated by my predicament. I was now 5 days into a marriage already gimpy, broken, ugly - but to what degree? Obviously, to an outsider, the answer was painfully clear: Beyond repair, you blind idiot! I really was sightless, as in no vision, unable to see what my future would hold or could hold or what path was the one that would lead me to a happy life, one I thought I wholly deserved.

I spent that night tossing and turning but mostly staring at the ceiling, weighing my options. Do I leave or stay, remain with him forever like I had just recently promised or cut my losses early in this stupid game. My bags already packed, I was not sure if I would try to sneak out, taking all my stuff and driving my car all the way back to my home state and leaving his miserable ass behind, walk out proudly and never look back, confront him as I left, spike his morning coffee with arsenic, or as per usual - say nothing at all. I was dreading unlocking my door, dreading the confrontation, dreading interacting at any level with this mouse that was now my husband, my partner in crime, my partner in life. Again, Jesus, what have I done?

So, as the sun rose on the puffy-eyed, crushed me, I showered and prepared to leave. As I was finished, ready to make a quick exit, anxious to put the walk of shame through the lobby behind me, I gathered my stuff and unlocked to the door, immediately confronted by Mr. Wonderful.

He was all milky apology and double talk, begging for forgiveness, for another chance, reprieve. He swore it would never happen again, it was the alcohol, it was my teasing, it was....oh, we both knew good and well there was no excuse. Good Lord, we had been through this before and I had caved every time, taking him back when I knew I should not, when I had been advised by my friends that I should not, when I had been begged by my family to PLEASE not - take him back. I knew if I did it again that my life was on a slippery slope. I had left my house, my family, my adult children and everything I had ever known for this person, who just a few short days after the ink was dry had turned into the person I had seen glimpses of but had refused to admit he really was, who had been deviously, manipulatingly, salesman-ishly hidden from me all this time. I told him everything I wanted to say that morning, the last of our honeymoon, how I thought he was a drunk, mean, unbearable, unforgivable, and then I forgave him, begrudgingly but forgave him still.

Oh yes, sports fans....I did. We left there together as a couple. My lovely farce of a marriage would continue with this unabashed jerk, and we would drop back into step quite quickly, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb (that would be me), carrying on as if nothing at all had happened (to the outside world), me reverting a little farther behind the wall I was building between he and I, he with another notch on his belt, another unforgivable thing he was forgiven for and had gotten away with, another step toward me in our tango, while I looked down and stepped at least 1 step in reverse. Perfect timing.

No one would know for a long time that this happened, although in my emotional wall I was building between us this was not a brick settled cozily in its mortar. No, this was a whole row, maybe more, cemented in, never to be removed, stiff and sturdy and readied for the Big Bad Wolf. From this point on, the wall builds quickly and is square and strong, thanks to my significant other, the man I have chosen to spend my life with, the man I am subconsciously protecting myself from.

A good friend once told me: You can hurt me and hurt me, but each time it will hurt a little less until one day it wont hurt at all....

TODAY:
Some utilities were canceled, some money saved, some lawn mowed, some business taken care of today, which always makes a person feel good - accomplishment and non-laziness is back-pattingly encouraging! There has been some shady dealings with the for-sale house, and I am less than pleased. Since divorce is not pretty and this one is starting to turn fugly to say the least, we'll leave it at that, but lets just say there are less things INSIDE the house in the last week thanks to some stealth-like maneuvering by someone other than myself. But, never fear, people who get away with bad things only become more brazen, less careful, more puffy. Careful....

MOOD:
Great. I got a lot accomplished today and Baby N now has a new playset! I also received a lovely pair of earrings I ordered from a shop on Etsy today and it made my day....see them here:

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=23828241

They absolutely helped make my day!!