7 - Can you say "rebound?"

4/18/09

Well, the word rebound never entered my mind, but it should have, since my dad and my daughter and several friends had broached the subject with me early on. You hear what you wanna hear, I guess. I poo-pooed the "rebound" idea immediately. I was smart, in-tune, well versed on interpersonal relationships. I would certainly recognize it if I was falling in love with my "rebound," wouldnt I? Of COURSE I would. Sheesh, you guys! Give me some credit here. Gosh darn and golly. Oprah is from Chicago, for cryin' out loud! Some of that social awareness had to have seeped into my pores by shear osmosis, Oprah being my hometown girl and all, right? Think again, Oh Blind And Denying One! I dont think anyone actually realizes they are in a rebound relationship, not when they are actually "in" it. You always think you are the exception. I was not the exception. I now truly think that DH2 was my rebound. The difference with me is that I get so invested in things, in relationships, in people, in EVERYTHING. Where most people would wander away from a coupling like this once they realized it was time to move on, Im competitive - probably the most competitive person you would ever meet. I hung on for as long as I could, kicking and screaming, digging in my heels, clinging with that last hook-shaped nail, trying to make this relationship work, trying to make it my "not rebound." Sigh...

So, our relationship grew. He was in sales and lied for a living. He graciously extended that offering to me, lying often, often for no good reason other than the sake of lying. He courted me from a distance and continued to live his single life 1500 miles away, while I slowly became invested, faithful, true, hopeful again. I continued my two jobs, my life with my friends and family, took care of my house, my life and my schoolwork. I think I forgot to mention that during this time I was also taking college courses in pre-nursing. Whoops! The layering of the distractions is getting thick, isnt it? I can take my job with me wherever I go, so I did all this here, there and everywhere, working around everyones schedule but mine, making everyone happy but me, and then I would travel to his state to see him as well. We also traveled together, to the shore, to Miami, to Vegas, and to my fave place of all....The City of Chicago. We traveled and played and fell deeper in love, him with the busy-me and I with the him that he chose for me to see.

After a few months, my divorce was final and I felt oddly relieved. I think I went to the courthouse and laid to rest my 20+ marriage and then drove to my night job. I dont recall that I broke down or even altered my daily routine. I think I had long ago said goodbye to the feelings of that life and was ready to be my own person.

My own person, huh? Wait a sec there, buckaroos! I was already in another relationship, a duet, a couple, a me-plus-another, before my last marriage had even ended. I was so busy controlling how my wonderful life would go, that I was forgetting to let my life "happen." Too bad for me, as I look back. If you cover an open wound with a bandage or a dressing while it is still oozing (even though you think this is what you need to heal), chances are that wound either gets infected or is reopened as a deeper, wider, bigger wound when you rip that covering away.

So, as I buried the pain of the loss of my forever-family under the new Band-Aid of DH2 and all the fun we were having, I plowed ahead without looking back. Just a note: Never forget to look in your rearview mirror. Look ahead, but never forget - learn from your mistakes.

Within a 6 months of my divorce being final, on a cold evening on a red checkered couch, totally unexpectedly, I was surprised with the "popping" of a question....

TODAY:
I keep wanting to post a rant. So far, no go. Today I took a drive and enjoyed the newness of spring, the changes in my familiar surroundings in the local towns, buds on the shrubs. I then worked in the yard, talked with the neighbors, played for an hour with my drop-dead-gorgeous grandson who is a beacon of light for the world (OK -Im allowed this indulgence with him!!!), and just basically enjoyed my life today. I do have to say that today I took a long nap in my favorite comfy reading chair. I am a go-getter, an Energizer bunny, a never quit til everything is done kinda girl. Today, I let that go and took a nap. Cant remember ever doing that. I allowed myself this treat. Its really okay to good to yourself sometimes. This is a new concept for me.

MOOD: Calm, happy, hopeful...